I was talking with a friend on the bus ride home about a challenge facing my wife and I (outside of our marraige). He listened, smiled, and only had this to say: “just remember that there are a lot of people out there who are struggling as well.” I thought it was a weird response. But I actually appreciate it now, because he attempted to solve… nothing.
His statement also graceously reminded me of my small place on this large and complicated globe (something easily forgotten when we learn of a threat to our calm and controlled lives). A little context goes a long way. His comment was subtle and authentic, and as I think about it more- very rare.
On the other (and more popular) side, there are those who can’t stand the reality of the lives around them, even while they profess undying support. It seems to threaten the foundations of their tranquil hiding place if you should experience lingering doubt, or prolonged pain, or a problem of great complexity. What you soon find, as a substitute for patience and humility (or enduring support)- is that your friend is throwing you a disposable mantra, or an unrelated Bible verse, or some recycled advice. And here’s a used band-aid for the gash on your arm.
When you’re in the middle of a struggle- what’s worse? No wonder Christians get called out for being simplistic and condescending- some of the loudest evangelicals are on repeat, saying “if you would just read these sets of verses… If you would only give a little of your money… If you only thought more positively…If you would just follow the 49 steps in my latest book. If…” Is that what people in crisis really need to hear? I don’t want someone that I trust attempting to take the contents of my struggle, shove the situation into a cute little gift box and hand it back to me with a hollow smile. If its robots we’re dealing with, I’d rather know the kind that can vacuum too.
I know life is busy, and that we are a country of multi-taskers. I’m one of them. There are times when my mind looks like a freeway- a congested blur that passes by with a lot of commotion and very little detail. Sometimes, this frantic pace gets shoved onto those we care about. “Figure it out!” “Hang in there.” “Hope it works out.” Operating like that will only teach us to manage people, and that’s a culturally acceptable way of being cowardly. “Hey bro, you know I’m busy lately.” (It’s funnier if you imagine Will Ferrell saying it).
This is approaching the realm of good and bad boundaries and I’m hoping to avoid that. Obviously we don’t need to make someone’s problem our own or enable immaturity by being that perpetual shoulder to cry on. Some people just need a metaphorical kick in the ass, and this is clearly not addressing that situation.
I guess what I’m getting at is ridiculously simple, and makes me question the worth of writing this at all, but- our support should not diminish as our interest in the matter does; it should continue beyond the start of that inevitable boredom (when you’ve heard your friend’s story one time too many). Life can be difficult, complicated and dark for long stretches, and not just for us. It’s obvious but worth remembering. Then, as friends struggle, we won’t nudge them towards a premature solution. As it’s been said many times before, ignoring pain is the surest way to miss the value of facing it, and others deserve this time of tough discovery as much as we do.
We will never be perfect, so instead of setting personal expectations up in the clouds, we can instead try to remember the examples of support authentically shared with us, so that we can be that for someone else. And now for the hard part: actually doing it.
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Ian, for The Broken Telegraph
Brian, for The Broken Telegraph
8 Comments
Monday, April 28, 2008 at
“Happy is the man that findeth wisdom, and the man that getteth understanding.”
Proverbs 3:13
Tuesday, April 29, 2008 at
I like that the simple authentic truth came through in layers for you. It is true.
You do stop, pause and reflect Ian. It is clear in your words.
Being present in life, listening without my own inner dialogue going on… is hard for me. I appreciate hearing how you work things inside your head. It helps me.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008 at
Very clear and substantive. Just what I expect out of Yarb.
Thursday, May 1, 2008 at
Well said. Often when someone (i.e Barbo) shares a problem we (i.e. me) immediatly feel the need to try and help them fix it (not sure if that’s more for their benefit or our own) when all they really want is someone to listen and understand.
Friday, May 2, 2008 at
Jonathan, Beth, Yarbs and Bear- thanks for the comments!
Wednesday, May 7, 2008 at
This, spelled out way better than I ever could, is the exact thing I have been struggling with lately. I work with a girl who goes to multiple Bible studies and is quite active in her church. So when my husband told me that he didn’t think that he should go to church with me because he would feel like a hypocrite because he, being the analytical person he is, sees way to many questions with the whole thing. I thought that maybe her and I might have something to talk about for once. What a mistake. I barely got started sharing my dilemma and questions that I felt unable to answer adequately, before she went off on a tirade. Soon I just became a sounding board for what I assumed to be a topic at her next Bible study group, or something she would talk about tearfully at a sharing time. She went off for a good 15 minutes repeating over and over, almost in tears, that God is good, and how can we question him when he is so good. Did I mention God is good? And while I agree completely, otherwise I could care less about the belief’s of my husband, and it is not that I mean to question Him I just feel that good questions are being asked and I had no answers. I finally tuned, out nodded the appropriate number of times, let her finish “our” moment and went back to work. I have never spoken of it again.
I wish more people would understand that it is okay to not have the answers, and much more appreciated then pretending you do so you can walk away feeling like a better person. Sometimes leaving the person with the problems feeling worse than when they originally started.
The short version: Well Stated.
Thursday, May 8, 2008 at
“Nodded the appropriate number of times” ahaha- an awful spot to be in, isn’t it? It does suck to get trapped in “conversation” with someone who’s just reciting stuff. I guess if a person gains an opinion or worldview easily, then it’s easily shaken (somebody famous said that, and I can’t remember who), and maybe that’s partly why fanatics of all walks are so frightened by other’s doubts, troubles, etc. I never know how to exit those situations, except for awkwardly.
Really good post- thanks for taking the time to put it up Tiffany. Many Christians are in the same boat as your husband- we still do and always will have questions, and we don’t like what is coming from the mainstream American church either.
In my opinion- any church that suppresses challenges or questions from their congregation and guests, or tends to label it as pride, arrogance, sin, lack of faith- that church is on a road to becoming cultish. Unfortunately we’ve got some churches behaving like that in our city.
-ian
Tuesday, September 23, 2008 at
this is right on….and yes i think Seattle does have at least one major church like that…. “suppresses challenges or questions”, is putting it lightly:)
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