The Danger of Acting Nice Instead Of Being Good PART I
Photo credit: Privatech.ca
Role-playing is a significant component of American life for the nice crowd- those actors who wear pleasant masks and live underneath a plastic smile. They speak using only sanitized words.
It seems to be spreading like a virus, and I fear that our country is infected with “nice.” But what we really need in challenging times are people willing to be good. Nations don’t repair from the outside. The only thing that we’re left with is the option to look at ourselves and ask “are we adding to this mess, or are we part of the cure?”
When I say good, I’m getting at the idea of having strong character. My morals (as intended, though unfortunately not always achieved) are based on the life and message of Jesus. He showed the world unimaginable sacrifice, compassion and uncomfortable truths. Your vision of good will vary somewhat depending on your hopes and heroes, but I think we can agree to a ballpark understanding of the term. As for good- it endures, and outlasts the public misunderstandings and unfair reputations that come with boldness. Good cares more about truth, justice and compassion than it does about personal standing or ongoing appearances.
Unlike being good, nice is easy. It can become habitual; a trigger mechanism for living life at a distance. If you’re willing to just smile and be forgettable, nice has the ability to push everyone out of your “business.” It stifles inquiry and accountability. It can get you ahead by being compliant, and it wants you to rationalize injustices big and small. Nice likes to accompany deception- it’s the perfect distraction for hiding a bitter reality. It doesn’t ask that we throw away our disdain or hatred, we need only save those things for our thoughts, or for conversations set around bar tables where the target is the guy who didn’t show up. Nice can save an entire reputation (even a false one) and cover up atrocities as long as it makes a brief appearance in public every so often. Nice is handy for those who want to seem trustworthy but aren’t interested in trying. Nice also dulls our passions. There is no way to be vibrant if you’re locked into that mentality.
The ordinary man is passive. Within a narrow circle, home life, and perhaps the trade unions or local politics, he feels himself master of his fate. But otherwise he simply lies down and lets things happen to him. -George Orwell
What happens when much of the country is willing to sacrifice character and truth if it provides an opportunity to leap up the ladder of success? How great is the threat to love and liberty if there are one million people saying “no one will ever know” and “it’s no big deal” at any given moment? How can we expect our leaders and the powerful to follow a standard that we publically praise but ignore in private?
I realize that politeness and professionalism are the currency of business and are useful during life’s transactions. I’m not proposing that we take up wooden clubs and return to the caves as we hammer out the differences. Civility is always refreshing and welcome when it isn’t being used to hide the truth.
I am far too nice; it’s one of my greater shortcomings, and something that I fight against daily with God’s help. I don’t mean that to sound noble in any way; I rarely am when it comes to practicing or speaking the uncomfortable truth. At times I remember the words of a man who counseled me years ago during some darker years. He made one particular comment after weeks of sessions together that I’ve never forgotten: “I don’t think you’re wild enough. I think you’re reckless.” He was precisely right. I had taken very natural, healthy impulses and desires, and stuffed them full of the nearest poison, because I was too cowardly to pursue those daring things that provide lasting satisfaction, but only through hard work. Good seemed out of my reach at the time (or so I thought), so I chose to be nice in order to hide the corrosive stuff that had taken its place. In that way, being nice was both my accomplice and my crutch. Our culture often behaves similarly. We binge on the easy and readily available stuff regardless of the harm. We fear taking bold steps towards places that will move us away from the group or the popular opinion. It’s a very human temptation- the urge to do and say nothing, or to be agreeable at times when we know better.
Whatever the root of that temptation, the question remains the same- how far are we willing to take it, and what will that cause? Will we lie just to keep those around us calm? The danger is clear- there will be an avalanche of injustice without reform if people want only to avoid life’s bumpy ride. Being nice is feeding the shark in us and in others. There is a personal cost to doing good. Is it worth it?
Tuesday, September 2, 2008 at 1:44 pm
Ian~That was simply profound. I am touched and can relate in many instances. Thank you for your boldness in Christ. It’s refreshing!
Tuesday, September 2, 2008 at 5:01 pm
Hey Eebs!
I enjoyed this! (and I’m not just being nice..har har) In being a person who has frequently taken the passive-aggressive road of niceness in the past, I will definitely agree that there is a cop-out clause in nicety in this day & age. I especially liked your use of Lewis’ quote on taking the wrong road vs the right road. The right road definitely is harder, especially in following the path of Godly wisdom, since it most frequently involves facing one’s own true nature and fixing the flaws, not making excuses for our own wrong actions, and ultimately….*drum roll* accepting the consequences when we fall on our faces. Most people don’t like the last part. Which is interesting, as in “playing nice” they often resort to the “blame game” which snowballs into “instead of doing the right thing & accept I am going to make 20 excuses why it wasn’t my fault.” Which isn’t always “nice.” I would also agree that most people will use “being nice” as a defense to being culpable for one’s errors of judgment….I look forward to part 2 of your exegesis on the foible of niceness.
But I do have the question…is being good the same as being moral & upright?
Tuesday, September 2, 2008 at 5:54 pm
I often wonder (as I smile and act ever so nicely) what kind of legacy am I creating? As a follower of Christ and as an individual. How many authentic connections could there have been? Though it is hard at times, I try to remind myself (at least with those I really love) that being nice is really such a disservice to the relationship. Don’t the people closest to me deserve the truth? And vice versa. The Lord loves us and He isn’t tip toeing around making sure we hear and get everything that makes us smile for the moment and sleep better that night. So why do we?
Tuesday, September 2, 2008 at 9:56 pm
Jael- thank you for the compliment and for reading the site. I hope you’ll stick around.
-ian
Wednesday, September 3, 2008 at 10:03 am
Is it Heather as in myspace heather or josh’s sis? Thou shalt identify yourself properly, but I’m guessing it’s myspace heather. Where have you been? Nice to have you back. Good points too.
And yes I meant good as in moral and upright. Thanks for saying it much clearer and simpler than I did
L.E.- that’s a convicting way of looking at it. it’s creepy to think about how much can be missed by simply passing through.
-ian
Thursday, September 4, 2008 at 7:57 am
reading a book right now Allenders Leading with a Limp…this and the chapter I read last nite…resonating….looking forward to Part 2
Thursday, September 4, 2008 at 2:50 pm
very cool- thanks becky. looking forward to your thoughts on the next part.
-ian
ps- i like your blog. I’ll be back to give it a closer reading.
Thursday, September 4, 2008 at 7:30 pm
Amazing and insightful article, Ian! It touches on a few things I questioned in myself this past weekend in my Blog. Although the truth may hurt, I have always preferred the honest and uncomfortable one. Thanks for sharing this article, I really enjoyed reading it!
“The Truth shall set you Free.”
Lisa
Friday, September 5, 2008 at 10:02 am
I’m really happy to hear that, Lisa and I admire your perspective. Nice to know you’re reading the site. I hope the second part is an encouragement for you.
-ian
Friday, September 5, 2008 at 7:46 pm
LOL. Thanks, though I thought you identified everything quite clearly, in fact, more clearly…I was just…well, I don’t know. Commenting late at night. The last question I meant to say “is being good ALWAYS the same as being moral and upright.”
Been busy with kiddos and work and spiritual stuff. Wait…I should rewrite that. Kiddos/Spiritual stuff and work. Hehehe. I realized there were too many people long distance to entirely quit myspace. I’ve enjoyed the columns and only just now have been able to comment. When I’m less lame than now I should drop a proper email, non? Your photos of La Belle Wife and La Belle Kiddo are awesome.
L.E. gives a really great perspective- I never really thought of it that way! Much food for thought.
Monday, September 8, 2008 at 4:33 pm
okay good heather- now we finally have that sorted out. i thought it was you with your distinctive prose…
-ian
Wednesday, September 10, 2008 at 12:12 pm
Yes! Yes! Yes!
As a Southerner, I have mastered the art of niceness. Take gossip, for example. I can call someone a loser behind her back, add “bless her heart” to the end of the insult, and then sugar-coat the whole thing with a little innocent laughter, without batting an eyelid. Down here, we learn the fine art of polite gossip from our mothers and fathers. It is an ancient art, passed down from generation to generation.
I am amazed by how often niceness actually interferes with goodness. For example, when a friend or colleague makes a racial or gender-based joke, I am often tempted to laugh it off. Only recently have I been calling people out, and it hasn’t exactly made me more popular around here.
Thanks for the excellent post! Lord, deliver me from my niceness!
Wednesday, September 10, 2008 at 2:49 pm
LOL an ancient art. great points, thanks Rachel…
-ian