The Danger of Acting Nice Instead of Being Good PART II

So why is there a nice sect spreading throughout our culture, and making converts of so many? The following paragraphs take a look at this question of why- in relation to the trend towards self-serving niceness.

We are on the receiving end of a near-constant flow of information, and as many apparent experts have explained- this will only increase. We produce opinions almost as quickly as this information comes to us. During any given day, one probably makes judgements big and small on hundreds if not thousands of things. We add our voices and thoughts to the choir of neverending opinions, on topics ranging from the legitimate to others that are none of our business. As a result, we are likely becoming too externally-focused, and that’s a challenge for a number of reasons. 

I think it’s possible, and quite alluring, to be a lifetime member of a nationwide codependency that is a byproduct of this endless opinion stream. As partially defined (by Wikipedia in this case), codependency is when a person “may feel shame about, or try to change, his or her most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with those of another person.” It doesn’t help that there are news networks that have traded in journalism for scathing personal attacks, or that many of the more popular websites and magazines are dedicated to ridiculing every misstep of celebrity culture. When something good manages to emerge, it’s often called crazy, fringe, callous, or unrefined. We are a population trained and ready to protect our reputation while dismissing the guy across the street.

I connect codependency with subjective output for this reason: we know about the vicious nature of this game because of our own participation. Who wants to get caught in the cross-hairs of negative consensus? Because of this, a habitually nice person becomes too concerned about the reactions of others (did I just state the blatantly obvious? Probably so).  But is visible struggle, or anger, or the uncomfortable truth or untamed joy really as uncivilized as it’s portrayed to be? Is that why many wear a rehearsed smile even when they don’t want to?

Or it could be that there is too much bickering and not enough well-intended conflict happening. Cat fights are easy, and fall within “the normal course of things.” They can make you feel bold, but like all cheap thrills- it never lasts, and needs to be replenished frequently. Good conflict on the other hand is personal, caring, but often just too real.

I also think that our nation has grown to fear genuine masculinity. I know this can be a touchy subject, and some might interpret my position as advocating for brute force. Not at all. I am not trying to buy macho wiggle room for men, so that we can assert a collective authority though now under the guise of “good.” On the contrary, I think true masculinity is about doing and acting for the truth especially as a means to affirm and defend others. Of course women are capable of the same good, but they shouldn’t be expected to do it alone. I see a greater deficiency in men in this area, perhaps because I am one, or maybe it’s because I live in Seattle: the Passive-Aggressive Capitol of the West Coast. A quick and easy visualization of masculinity is offered in C.S. Lewis’ description of Aslan from his Narnia series. The Great Lion is characterized as being wild, but also good. You can ride with him because he has earned the trust, but that doesn’t mean he’s tame or predictable. I like that. Men are often curiously absent from taking the dangerous step towards the right fight when it happens to pass by. What we now have are guys who make excuses, or become compliant even while their hearts tell them to do or say otherwise. I am not the first to state this but it is worth repeating.

I wonder if anxiety about the wild or unknown creeps into people’s objection towards God? The desire  to comprehend first, and to always know the reason why- these things restrict us from pushing into undiscovered territory. Faith on the other hand is freeing (though admittedly scary at times). You can be a lot of things- outspoken, angry, combative, but I don’t know how anyone can be good without faith and hope.

Lastly, there’s that reoccurring fear of failure that works to keep people from standing out. 

(article continues below photo):

If you want to fool somebody- just smile.

One of my closest friends made a great point after he read the first part in this series. If I’m understanding  correctly, he’s concerned that some might use this “good” perspective as a way to overstate their rightful place. Essentially- he’s making the very useful counterpoint, saying “we are not responsible to save the world, nor could we as one person, because people make their own choices.” I totally agree, and perhaps I didn’t do a good job balancing this with the danger of taking “good” to the extreme- which might become nothing more than abrasive and arrogant when used as a cure-all. We don’t need to create a battlefield every day; that would just be exhausting and counterproductive. Clearly- kindness, restraint and understanding are worthy (if not superior) virtues, and deserve to have volumes written about the value of using them. Good does not mean fighting to the death over each and every grievance. In fact, I’ve written a previous article discussing the likely tendency to intervene, but only selfishly in an attempt to push other’s conflict out of our path. It’s a huge problem in fundamentalist circles.

We make progress when we wrestle- with God, with our friends (and enemies) and with ourselves. I am grateful for the times when people have bothered to sit me down and say very respectfully- “you’re way off course.” If they’re right, then I’ve been turned away from a mess, and if they’re wrong (or we disagree), then it’s still an opportunity to think, listen and to learn about each other. Humans were made for contact. Bold encouragement or sacrifice can be as shocking as tough accountability. Both have a place if we are to live benevolently.

If it needs to be uncomfortable, let life be that way for awhile. Sometimes the dreaded conflict is exactly what we should head for, and I believe that good, and God, are often on the other side of risk. Don’t run to the unrewarding place that says ”never mind” if personal passion or justice are on the line. Maybe in your case (or mine)- being good simply means saying “no,” or refusing to defend our every step in public. We don’t always owe an explanation. If you’re reflective and have come to a decision, allow yourself to make it without seeking endless counsel. Certain people will never understand or agree- either because they don’t see it or don’t want to. Others will catch on, but only with the benefit of hindsight. At times, we carry the gift of genuine support from just a valuable few. Other times, we travel the road alone. There is no enduring consensus of praise for those who dare to do good, because that act, almost by definition, means going against the grain.

Click here for a fantastic article that looks at this issue from a different perspective, written by a friend of this site- Rachel Held Evans.