‘Revolutionary Road,’ and the Corrosive Effect of Conformity

Photo credit: Paramount Vantage

by Guest Contributor Brian Robinson

Last weekend, I saw a screening of the film “Revolutionary Road,” the latest collaboration between the “Titanic” acting triumvirate of Leonardo DiCaprio, Kate Winslet and Kathy Bates. (I guess James Cameron was busy). The film is about the unraveling of a young married couple in 1950s Connecticut. The film is as spectacularly emotional as “Titanic” was a special effects spectacular. What DiCaprio and Winslet must have gone through just to portray these two sad people locked in emotional combat must have been exhausting. Given how authentic the stress seems to be, it couldn’t have been an easy job for either assuming there were multiple takes as there usually are in any major motion picture these days. (By the way, they were directed by Winslet’s real-life husband, Sam Mendes, who, thanks to “American Beauty” knows a bit about portraying the destruction of a suburban American marriage.)

While this isn’t so much a review of the movie as a discussion of one of its main themes, I should tell you a little about the film. It concerns a married couple at the front edge of their 30s. They meet cute at a party and after a brief courtship are married (we are to assume its brief as we don’t see them during that period, but the courtship’s brevity is referred to later on in the film). They quickly have two children and head for the suburbs, that were all the rage in post-WWII America. He, a man who fancies himself a world traveler, takes a job at the same company his father worked for. She, a would-be actress, decides to be a homemaker. Before long, all of those stuffed down dreams and desires begin to affect their lives. Trust me, it all comes out in a series of volcanic eruptions.

What really seems to be the cause of all this emotional devastation is that, like many real life couples, they have been chasing the wrong dreams: those that have been assigned to them. They believe they MUST have the house in the suburbs, they MUST have the two-point-five children, they MUST have the assigned neighbors as friends that share the same “dreams.” There are all kinds of resentments that are directed not only at their spouses and friends, but at themselves as well. They have allowed the desire for conformity to have a corrosive effect on everything in their lives. The misery of chasing and holding onto things they have been told to desire starts to grow like a wildfire in their souls. What do they REALLY want?

That’s certainly a question that all of us can ask of ourselves whether we are in a marriage or not. But, it does become a more pressing and prickly question when the lives of others enter into the equation. Do most people level with their spouses about what they want out of their marriage? Do they really have an understanding and appreciation of what they want out of life together as opposed to a life apart? I don’t think so. Its unfortunate, though not all that unusual, but I have known couples who either live together or marry without having what I would consider to be basic understandings. I once knew an unmarried couple who owned a home together who refused to discuss with each other, much less me, the subject of children. Did they want them? Who knew? Someday, maybe? It was too divisive to consider; too controversial to attend to the potential relationship ending topic. I could never understand how a couple could enter into a real estate deal together, but have no idea whether that house would have children in it one day or not. Wouldn’t it be worthy to discuss where you plan on ending up in a relationship?

It seems to me that many couples look to the outside world to see what they “really want.” It doesn’t take much to feel the influence of our American society. We are marketed to, sold to, and preached to from the day we arrive. Even before we are able to make sentient observations we are given a direction and orientation. Typically, we assign ‘blue’ to boys and ‘pink’ to girls. Why? Who knows? But its indicative of the society we all live in that there are roles for all of us to fit into. This extends all the way through our schooling, our recreation and our relationships throughout our lives. We learn, from constant instruction from various sources, what we are ‘supposed to do’ and ‘want.’ So, you can see how we are destined to be torn if, for whatever reason, we are not truly drawn to those things we are told/programmed to desire.

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Years ago, I had a friend say to me, “I can’t wait until you have kids.” Now, it wasn’t said with much warmth or affection. It was delivered more as a threat; the subtext of which was “I can’t wait until you have an understanding of how miserable I am right now dealing with this unruly child of mine.” Not exactly the stuff Hallmark is made of. She also said that she thought it was selfish for someone not to want children, that it was a way of remaining a child for one’s lifetime. My question was then, as it is now: if one is that selfish, do you really want them to be responsible for raising a human being? Does that selfishness magically disappear the moment the child arrives in this world? Is a selfish parent the best model/nurturer for that developing citizen of the world?

Now by saying all of this, I don’t take the position that once a person recognizes they feel that way that they should stick to the position at all costs. Human beings have the potential to change our minds, and that should be valued and not looked upon as a sign of implicit weakness. Today I can say that I don’t want to have any children, but perhaps I meet the ‘right’ person who makes me reconsider some goals in my life. I don’t think I want to approach that opportunity to change/grow/learn all because, “well, I made my bed and I have to lie in it.” Or, perhaps, for some reason, I meet that ‘right’ person and that epiphany that tells me “I have been right all along — no kids for me!” The point is I don’t want to have this desire for either outcome to be force fed upon me by what I see around me. I would hope that all-important decision comes from a place that is uniquely all me. Is that too much to ask for?  Is that too selfish or childish?

I understand the role that conformity plays in society, and it certainly does have its place for us to live relatively peacefully. Conformity is necessary if we are to follow the law and avoid anarchy (a state that no society lasts long in). It’s necessary if we are to have some sort of social structure where taxes are collected and resources are pooled. But, when it comes to individual happiness and personal enlightenment or grace, can those be provided on a plate, predigested for us to gobble up? Isn’t it something that we (should) have to dig for on our own? Is happiness meant to be made on an assembly line and created on an hourly basis? Or are we meant to figure it out for ourselves in our own time on our own terms? Do we have that luxury? Did we ever?

I don’t have the answers to those questions. I am much better at asking than answering them. In the movie, these questions are not asked out loud until its too late; until the breaking waves of all those unattended desires and dreams swamp their marriage just as the ocean swamped the ocean liner in “Titanic.” So, in a way, I guess you can say that Winslet and DiCaprio have made this movie before.