Our New National Pastime: The Long Distance Diagnosis

by Guest Contributor Brian Robinson

If there is one thing that all Americans seem to share in this new millennium, it’s that we ALL are dime store psychologists.  These days we live for the moment we can point to a public figure and declare that we know exactly what their problem is. Do they even have a problem? Well, it seems if enough of us say they do, then they do.

Now to be honest, I play this nasty game too. I try to make an effort not to, but it’s just so damn easy to be manipulated into thinking I know what I am talking about. We are all so steeped in the major general principles of Freud and his theories that we feel comfortable diagnosing George Clooney with the Peter Pan syndrome since he “refuses” to get married (i.e. “grow up”) and proclaim well known lesbians like Ellen Degeneres or Melissa Etheridge as suffering from Penis Envy. But, unless we all went through some unconscious school of Psychology, who in the hell are we to make these pronouncements? This reminded me of something my dying grandmother once said. She was in the hospital for the umpteenth time with her failing heart, and while we were visiting her at bedside in walked one of her neighbors. The man was doing a very good and sweet job of making the trip into town to come see her and was not shy about offering bromides about how she “needed to take it easy by taking long baths in Epsom salts, and sleeping with heating pads.” My grandmother, never one to hold her tongue when the mood struck, looked at my dad, me and then the neighbor and sharply replied, “And where did you get your medical degree that I have never seen?” Indeed, where did we all get our powers of psychological diagnosis in this country?

Whether it’s Chris Brown and Rihanna’s physical altercation or Lindsey Lohan and Samantha Ronson’s public street-side screaming matches (my GOD, why do I even know about these things?!) we seem to be overly comfortable assessing blame and/or judgement about what they “need” to do next as a couple. Now, it’s not even “alleged” any longer that something physical happened with Brown and Rihanna; he has admitted as much that something happened that night (though he stays away from any “legal” admissions). But, what isn’t in evidence is what caused Brown to become a batterer in at least that once incidence. Yes, I have heard the semi-prophetic interview where he talked about how his step father beat his mother and how he had such hate for the man. But, based on that one tidbit of information, I don’t see how we are able to make the air-tight connection that he is a habitual batterer. While I FEEL like it might be true and there MAY be a connection, where do I get the temerity to decide he’s a certified Jekyll and Hyde case? I DON’T KNOW and neither do YOU! Deal with your ignorance just like I need to. If psychological diagnoses are so easy and can be made in a flash, then why in the hell don’t we have more mentally healthy people walking our planet? Don’t people spend years in therapy to uncover and deal with mental issues? Are they just not watching enough “Entertainment Tonight” or “Access Hollywood” to get the latest on psychological breakthroughs? Maybe Psychologists’ offices should just keep “E!” on in their waiting rooms to help patients have realizations before they even get onto the couch. That Ryan Seacrest really seems to understand what makes headcases like Angelina Jolie really tick. Just what is she doing with all those kids anyway? And, don’t get me started on what makes “Octo-mom” behave the way she does; Anderson Cooper has the 411 on that situation already!

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Who’s next?

Photo Credit: Guardian.co.uk

Now, you cannot find anyone on this planet who will mistake me for a fan of G.W. Bush. I never liked the man from the early days of his campaign for the Presidency. But, there is one thing that has always rubbed me the wrong way — the “diagnosis” of his “Daddy Issues.” You don’t have to dig too deeply to find the stories where it was clearly suggested that one of the major reasons we ended up in Iraq was so that Bush could avenge his father and thereby get the approval of old Pappy Bush. I know it belittles him and makes him seem desperate for love and a little boy at heart, but its just not something I can sign on to.  Oliver Stone was apparently able to make an entire movie around that notion (I haven’t seen it, although not because of any dislike for Stone. I just don’t want to consume anything Bush right now, thank you very much. Trying to cut down.)

The thing that troubles me about the claim that he took us to war because of a mental fixation is it lets us off the hook. He wasn’t a king (even though I think he had ideas about that too…) and he didn’t go without Congress and the citizenry allowing him to. I remember how tough it was for anyone to speak out against going to Iraq, as we just convinced ourselves it was the right thing to do at the time (generally). But, by looking back and saying, “wow, was HE crazy or what?” we end up giving ourselves a pass. We make him the “other” and us the clear-eyed sober judges. Well, we aren’t. We rarely are as a group, I am sorry to say.

So, when we look at our national stable of celebrities and near-celebrities I guess it makes us feel superior/better to be able to look outward and say “Wow, are they a mess!” That way we spend less time looking inward and dealing with our own hang ups. Like a lot of things, we have made this a form of entertainment and that’s really too bad. Not just for the celebrities, but for us as well.