I Wonder When
When I was three years old I asked my Mom’s party animal boyfriend (Rockin’ Rod as he was known in the 80’s party scene) if he had Jesus in his heart. I knew I did but was unsure of his status and needed to know. I was aware Jesus loved me but felt that if Rod hadn’t been told then perhaps he needed to know. He politely evaded the question and I moved on, not at all fazed by the rejection. Fast forward to now; I seldom ever admit my religious status unless I know I am in a room with at least a majority of backers, for fear someone will either judge me or run for the hills thinking that I have a trunk full of Gideon’s, a wallpapering of religious bumper stickers on my car and the single goal of an on the spot conversion.
Rewind again; when I was in my single digit years my Grandparents knew all their neighbors, solely because I knew all their neighbors. I talked to anyone who would listen. I went over for sleep overs, tea parties, star gazing, and just about anything else these little old ladies were up to. I was friends with everyone. I had not experienced much rejection and people seemed to be happy about my advances (or at least they pretended well…the lady whose cooking flour drawer I unearthed might not have loved me as much as I loved her). Jump back to present day; I just realized that I know none of my neighbors, I talk to almost no one, and attempt to go through life completely unnoticed.
Recently I observed a picture of my cousin’s little girl out washing her mom’s car. She was wearing a Cinderella gown, a crown, and pink rubber boots. She looked happier than I have ever looked washing a car (or doing most things for that matter). I started to think back to the day when I didn’t care what people thought as long as I was happy…I couldn’t remember a time.
It was then that it dawned on me that I am a perpetual conformist. When did this happen to me, I wondered? At what point did I completely stop taking risks? At what point did everyone else’s happiness start meaning so much to me that I quit living for what I enjoy? It was a sad, yet unfortunately true realization; and it was such a gradual progression I could not recall what caused it.
When we moved into our new house I purchased a quirky magnet that said “Do one thing every day that scares you” (Eleanor Roosevelt). I thought it was not only fun and whimsical but also made me think that maybe it was something I should think more about. I put it on my fridge, vowed to look at it every day, really planned on following through, and 2 years later just wiped an inch of dust off of it. I had not tested myself one single time that I could recall. I have not made new friends, tried new things or really experience self inflicted fear of any kind since I made the purchase. I have occupied and quite enjoyed the middle of the road. Yet I still had this nagging feeling that I was seriously missing out; I mean without some degree of risk and excitement are you really living?
So, when Ian asked me if I would consider being a regular writer on this site I all but had the “NO” e-mailed typed. A very sweet, non feather-ruffling “NO” e-mail, mind you – but “NO” none the less. I had all kinds of reasons; inability to commit, no time, no topics, and the list goes on and on. Then I realized that THIS was something that scared me. I was horrified that I would fail miserably, people would disagree with what I had to say, no one would read my posts, and slowly but surely I would have to be phased out as an experiment that went awry. So, I called my Grandma (my ever steady source of wisdom and direction) and she stated that the worst thing that could happen was that someone could not like what I had to say and shoot me…this was something I had not considered. SUPER. Once again I pulled the “NO” out of my saved drafts and got ready to send. However despite my fears I re-typed my reply; “yes I would love to do this”, and here I am. I am kicking my own butt and doing one thing today that scares me silly. It is not a huge step but it is a step none the less. I am certain that I will have to battle with myself daily to continue growing, to continue doing what scares me. But this is step one and I hope that it will be a memorable journey, and one that I am sure I will tell you all more about.
Thursday, June 25, 2009 at 9:10 pm
Wiff, I love you. You know this, but I’ll say it anyway. I thoroughly enjoyed this sneak peak into your present life. I will be just as thoroughly disappointed if I don’t get to read something from you on a very regular basis.
I’ll see you Wednesday. We have a lot to talk about.
Thursday, June 25, 2009 at 9:28 pm
Thank you for not saying no and taking a chance.
Even if no one agrees with what you write or only one person reads yours posts, keep writing. It may be that one person who really needed to read what you said and for them it will make all the difference. Today you reached new readers and I bet that someone out there is going to take a chance on something tomorrow because you inspired them. Thank you and keep writing.
Thursday, June 25, 2009 at 9:36 pm
I’m glad you were brave enough to step out and write. Please continue to do so- communication, community, & continual learning are what make this world a place for all of us to live. Thank you for being a conscious part.
Thursday, June 25, 2009 at 11:21 pm
Great Job Tiff! I enjoyed it, was inspired by it, and am looking forward to more.
I can definitely relate to being a boundryless people pleaser. I too was taught by one of the best, and guilt is a great motivator.
Now I do one thing each day that scares me. It usually consists of getting out of bed.
Thursday, June 25, 2009 at 11:24 pm
I enjoyed that alot Wiffers! You really are an inspiration and gave me a good reminder that it’s ok to be scared but to push on anyways
Pushing ourselves always seems hard but is always rewarding I think. I look forward to more posts!
-Knottbomb
Friday, June 26, 2009 at 8:41 am
Tiffy!
I am SO very proud of you!! I know this is a huge mountain to climb and you will succeed! I do want to remind you though that you HAVE made steps in the right direction and have faced fears. I remember when you first started here, you were absolutely terrified to lead the scheduling meetings. I know you still get nervous, but you dominate that meeting and you shut up the people who need to be silenced (no names). So be proud in knowing that you have accomplished goals of confidence, even if they are small in your eyes. I am excited to read more 
God knows you have MANY stories to tell! Thank you for your honesty and open heart. I cherish your friendship.
Blessings!
Friday, June 26, 2009 at 9:36 am
Tiffany- i loved this article. your first paragraph made me laugh out loud. i believe that’s LOL.
thanks for writing- i’m excited to read more!!!
Friday, June 26, 2009 at 10:05 am
Loved it! I see you added somethings and didn’t let me proof read. I want to only because I enjoy your writing. I look forward to reading the upcoming installments. XOXO Good Job
Friday, June 26, 2009 at 10:12 am
you are so gifted and you don’t know it. I am glad you took a chance, its about time (well, marrying my brother might have been taking a chance
I can’t wait to read more, this was very inspiring. Call me when you want to do something that scares you, maybe we can exercise or shop on a budget (now, that IS scary:)
Friday, June 26, 2009 at 10:32 am
Good job Tiff !!! Keep on keep’n on !!!
Friday, June 26, 2009 at 10:46 am
Feef! Well done love- I’m book-markin-ya!
xoxo Di
Saturday, June 27, 2009 at 8:56 am
First of all let me thank you all for such a warm welcome onto this site. Your comments were all kind and I really do appreciate them all.
Heidi – I love you too cousin! And the way things seem to be paning out, regular things to write about most likely will NOT be a problem. Wednesday will be quite a night, indeed. I look forward to it into my toes!
Andrea- I can not tell you what your encouragement means. I really appreciate it. You are correct, if I really think about it. Just because every thing I write may not get a mass response does not mean someone didn’t take something away from it. I know I will for sure need to think back on that in the future.
gye nyame – You are so right, and yet it its SO easy to sit back and just let the world go on around us and never contribute. It is a much safer place. However being a “concious” part can be so much more rewarding – even if you have to take some bad with it.
Bear and Bean/Knotbomb/Washi- I fear that as long as we are a part of this family we may get forced into doing/learning things daily that might scare us right back into bed. Although without fear we can not grow…or something like that. Thank you both so much for reading and for the kind encouraging words. I love you both!
Unique- Thank you for pointing out that at the very least I have Monday covered on my “daily scare” schedule. I guess I do more things that scare me than I give myself credit for. Thank you for the encouragement. I know with friends like you I will have no choice but to kick my butt into gear. Your daily encouragement keeps me going!
Lauren E – I am so glad you were able to enjoy some of the humor (LOL indeed
. The way I figure, if you can’t see the humor in the wacky things you have experienced then what are we even doing? Thank you for taking a minute to read my first step in this new horrifying territory.
Janean – Per normal I did this at the 11th hour. I think that it forces me to step out and not think too much about things. I thank you for fixing what you did and you will see them earlier in the future.
Jamie – Your whole life is an inspiration to me. I think if I stick around you, I can find a whole slew of things that will scare me daily and or by the minute. You step out and live life to its absolute fullest. Thank you for including me in a part of it. Even if some times it takes numerous attempts.
BJ and Didi – As always your continued support means the world to me. I love you both and miss you a ton!
Thursday, July 16, 2009 at 11:05 pm
Are you me? Just wondering because I really, really, really identify with how quiet I am about my faith.
And I’m coming to see that I should be more unapologetic and bold about it.
Friday, July 17, 2009 at 7:05 am
Isn’t it interesting how thoughts in space can find a home? I absolutely loved your article.
I recently moved into a new neighborhood and see the different ways people handle new neighbors. A few will drive right up with a warm hello…..some will avoid eye contact all together. Lifelong friendships are often collected one at a time. It is fun to sit at the beginning of new possibilities.
Reading your thoughts, I struggle with many of the same concerns. What will people think of me? In fact, my first contact with Ian was to ask questions about his faith. I worried he might get frustrated with me, since I have so many questions. But instead, he generously shared his writing and the invitation to discuss anything – anytime. This really meant a lot to me.
So I do peek in and read often.
Your article made me smile today.
Saturday, July 18, 2009 at 10:24 am
Rachel- Isn’t it funny how much power we give the people around us? How we will try and please our friend, co worker, random stranger in the grocery store yet tell God “you understand, right?” I am so guilty of it that it makes me sad. The one that will never leave or forsake me I will push to the back, yet the one who will probably someday steal my parking spot at Safeway or cut me off in traffic, him I want to please. It is an every day struggle yet one that I am working on. I truly don’t think that God expects us to wear our “Victory in Jesus” sweatshirt every day and try to convert every one we meet; I do however think that he becomes saddened when we try and hide Him from the world. I am glad to know that someone is taking this journey with me. Hopefully you will let me know how it is going. Thank you for sharing your struggle with me.
Beth – Although I have only been writing on this site for a very short time the “one liners” so to speak that I am able to pull from people’s replies have already truly enriched my life. “It is fun to sit at the beginning of new possibilities” is such a great way to look at challenging or potentially fun situations. And you are correct. We have only had minimal contact with our neighbors (one to tell us that our dog was barking at him…in his yard. Super. Another, drunk, to see if A) we would “remember her” and B) to see if she could come in our house for a bit. Again, super.) and I realized that I am mostly to blame for that. I am the eye contact avoid-er.
I am working on that. It is a rough go but I’m giving warm smiles even if it makes people think I must be off my meds…or my rocker. We will see how it goes.
It is nice to know that people share my struggle and hopefully with support of each other we will be stronger for it. I’m so glad that I was able to cause a smile – thank you for your reply and return of the favor.