Remember When Looking in the Mirror was Fun?
When I was younger I never really thought much about the mirror. It really had no impact on me at all. I would look in it to make sure I had brushed all my teeth; to make sure I had smoothed all my crazy hairs down; to look at the pulled back face my Grandma’s french braids gave me (or the dreaded side pony); and lastly to make hilarious faces into it with my friends so we could laugh until our stomachs hurt. Other than that the mirror was a pretty silent entity in our house; something I wish it would return to each and every day.
Over the years the mirror became my enemy. Something that showed me, in painful detail, what the girls at school were making fun of. Something that pointed out my cowlick, my high forehead, my ears that stuck out, my smile that was too big, my pigeon toes, you name the flaw the mirror showed it to me every single day. I often spent hours sitting in front of the mirror trying to fix what it was showing me, trying desperately to prove it wrong. If I could just change this or tweak that I might be able to shut it up.
A few years later the mirror took on yet another voice. In an attempt to humble me I was to state 5 things in the mirror daily that I didn’t like about myself. So, I made a list, and being the perpetual rule follower that I am I did it each and every day. I poked at this, I pulled at that, I could tell you each thing right down to a freckle on the bottom of my foot that I thought didn’t belong. They say it takes 30 days to form a habit; rest assured when I no longer “had” to do this the habit had been good and formed.
Years later my mirror is still my nemesis. I dread its presence each day and sometimes wonder if mine has been switched with a carnival fun house mirror. I sometimes WISH it has been switched so I can justify what I see in it. I start each morning with a look in a mirror that only shows me from the neck up. Once I can accept what that is showing me I head out to the one that will determine the fate of my day. Will it be a day that I feel happy, or will I feel sad? Will I feel good enough or will I feel like I have much to improve upon? Will I feel secure or will I feel like hiding in the back ground? Will I feel worthy of affection or feel like there is no way anyone could love what is staring back at me? My mirror has quite a lot to say and in the end, much like the mirror in Snow White, it usually tells me that I am for sure NOT the fairest of them all.
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I was getting ready at a friends house recently and closed up my pocket mirror (the one with less to tell) and said “well, I guess that is as good as it gets.” She stated that she says the same thing all the time. I thought about it later and it blew my mind. My friend; my beautiful, always put together, person that I compare myself to, one whose style I am constantly trying to emulate, THAT friend. Her mirror has a voice too. Perhaps everyone’s mirror has a voice. I wondered if they all purchased the one that hurls insults or if there is a more positive uplifting mirror out there that is just a little more expensive and not as widely marketed.
That got me thinking, and I know that this sounds crazy, but maybe I could change the voice that came out of my mirror. Or maybe I could silence it all together. However, the discouragement came quickly. I have tried in the past; the “Five things you like about yourself” list is way too short and tough to come up with. Yet that felt like quitting and I hate being a quitter, so I thought maybe I could give it a try. Maybe I could start by not comparing myself to women whose job is to be beautiful. Perhaps I could stop looking at what everyone else’s view of beauty is and try and figure out my own. I wonder if it could work. I wonder if some day my mirror could just go back to being a piece of furniture that I made faces in and laughed until my stomach hurt.
I’m willing to give it a try, and hopefully if your mirror has a voice you will try too; and when we succeed at shutting it up I’ll meet you back in front of it, we will make pig noses and crazy faces and crack up. We will realize we are beautiful and our mirror will not have a thing to say about it.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009 at 6:34 am
A few years ago I took my high school youth group to Guatemala on a vision trip. We worked in the part of Guatemala that not even Guatemalan Christians will go because it’s too scary/dangerous/filthy/not going to get any better. A saint of a woman runs a school there so that the children have a safe place to be when they aren’t in the government run schools.
Mirrors line the walls of the staircases from the entrance to the third floor. We asked the director why, and she explained that most of the children have never seen themselves in a mirror before and she wants them to know they are beautiful and what they look like.
It was fascinating to watch the children file past the mirrors – all posing, smiling at themselves, and checking out their look…they had messy hair, most hadn’t bathed, and their clothes were the same tattered clothes they had on the day before.
When I came back from this trip I stopped hating the voice in the mirror as much. I prayed that God would give me the faith like those children to love what I saw in the mirror, despite what is really there.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009 at 6:36 am
Tiffany,
P.S. I went to college with Ian what now seems like many moons ago – much life has happened since then.
Welcome to The Broken Telegraph!
Tuesday, July 28, 2009 at 8:34 am
Seriously. I feel ya. Its like someone just pulled me out of the coffin after a 2 year nap at times. WHY? I think you are beautious. XOXO
Tuesday, July 28, 2009 at 10:46 am
All mirrors come with a flaw- we just have to see past it.
I could get down on myself about a body who has seen far better days of fitness…. about arms who used to benchpress more than most men and legs that could support the world… who now- keep waving good-bye long after I stop… BUT!!!!!
Those limbs are still strong- and you know that you’ve been loved when I give you a hug- they have cradled babies, crying friends and a passionate man. Picked up the lost and broken and put them back together again.
My midriff- tho not toned like I wish it could be- has nursed and grown life and given me two of the most amazing chilren anyone could ask for.
My eyes that are now begining to show some serious signs of aging- but they allow me to see the beauty in life and photograph it.
My hair is crazy, curly and out of control- it’s an extension of what’s in my head.
And the lines around my mouth- that is no longer smooth and perfect- show the signs that I talk too much, yell too loud and smile- a great deal.
I’ve seen the sign that reads, “life is a journey you should not end up with a perfectly preserved body… you should skirt through the pearly gates in a hook slide, with wine in one hand and choclate stains on your shirt screaming ‘Wahoooooo- what a ride!!!’ ”
Live your best life- and the rest falls into place.
Feef- I love ya girl!
xoxo Didi
Tuesday, July 28, 2009 at 11:31 am
Mirrors show only a reflection of who we are, only a reflection. You know who you are. Love who you are and don’t worry about what your mirror seems to be saying to you.
Nice, well written article.
Hilda >^..^<
Tuesday, July 28, 2009 at 1:49 pm
Well, at the risk of regretting this later, I will also admit an issue with mirrors. I am, and have been for the majority of my life, a fat guy. While many people support the stereotype that guys don’t care how they look, I am here to tell you its a crock.
I have always had issues with mirrors. Even when I am lower in pounds, I don’t ever stand in the mirror intentionally and/or intently looking at my body…it just doesn’t happen in my bathroom.
So, I think I have a little insight to how you feel. Its a struggle to remember we are more than what we look like to people, to transcend the assumptions and stereotypes they MAY be throwing our way (which can be an insidious idea since we rarely KNOW what people think when they see us.) But, I also know that the people who love me, whether they know of the internal struggle of mine or not, don’t love me any less for my negative self image and I am thankful as hell for that.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009 at 2:00 pm
Hi Tiffany,
To be honest, I was kind of saddened by your article. I know a lot of women feel like you do, but it just kills me that there are so many.
In this country, where appearances are elevated beyond the importance of ethical behavior, kindness, intelligence, compassion, wisdom, etc., it can get difficult to remember how to truly view yourself.
There is too much white noise out there telling women, how to look, how to be sexy, why you look terrible, how to fix your flaws, how to improve yourself through plastic surgery, and other such nonsense. Our society and culture are attempting to alter the idea of natural female beauty and appearance, not to mention inadvertently turning women into insecure, confused shadows of themselves. The worst part is, we are not just allowing society to do that to us, we are becoming accomplices to the crime.
It is important to know yourself well enough to call bull s**t on attitudes and ideas that don’t resonate with you personally.
Appearance can’t become an obsession, otherwise, you become absorbed by it. If trips to the mirror are accompanied by internal dialogs of self-hate or extreme conceit, it’s clear something is out of balance.
Women have to be at peace with looking as good as their age & body will allow. We can’t put too much stock into beauty, because it changes as we age and certainly doesn’t last forever. It’s a moving target and not worth chasing.
In my opinion, elegance, charm and style can be developed by everyone, whether they are plain or beautiful. I see lots of pretty women and handsome men all day long, but it’s rare to meet someone that’s truly charming, stylish and elegant. When I do meet someone like that, they are far more memorable than a pretty face.
In the end, mirrors have very little to do with it, it’s more important to look at yourself as if you are the only person in the world – and then decide how beautiful you are.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009 at 7:18 pm
Tiffany,
this is my ringtone on my cell, to remind me of this very issue. I think the lyrics are awesome…
I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it’s killing me
Does someone hear my cry?
I’m dying for new life
[Chorus]
I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful
Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won’t you help me back to glory
[Chorus]
You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful
Bethany Dillon sings it. I think the mirror thing is a rat race, I don’t even have a full length mirror.
We have an audience of one, and we need to remember what is beautiful to Him. Help remind me of that, eh….
Wednesday, July 29, 2009 at 9:54 am
Interesting comment, Janice- thanks for it and good to hear from you! It’s been too long.
Bri- pretty raw stuff, I really appreciate you taking a risk on sharing that. You are right about being loved. Those of us who know you well love you and value you greatly, and you are one of the most important people in my life and have been for years. And in reality, you are far more attractive to others than the way you see yourself, as is often the case.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009 at 10:37 am
Janice- Thank you so much for the welcome! I have had a blast so far being on here and can’t wait for what lies ahead of me.
Your story really touched me. I really appreciate you sharing it. I just need to remember those things when the self doubt starts creeping in. In a world where there are mirrors everywhere, it is so easy to take it for granted and start using them in destructive ways. If the only time we could spend in front of them was time spent finding beauty I’m sure there would be a lot different in the world.
Janean – You kill me! Two years in a coffin? That is an amazing picture! Although I have yet to see this particular look on you I understand the feeling. You too are absolutely beautiful! Our mirrors can shove it!
Didi- That settles it…the next life altering issue I have I am coming over, sitting in a comfy chair and getting “Didi Therapy”. This is now two issues in two weeks you have completely cleared up for me just by changing my perspective. Your perspective on life blows me away. And to think…I am currently paying off eleven hundred dollars to a counselor that could never make it this clear. Hmmm…
Hilda- You make a great point. Unless I invest in an x-ray mirror my current one only shows the wear and tear…it never shows what is on the inside. It is so hard to get past the outside but I’m working on it. Thank you for taking the time to read my journey.
Brian- I think that it KICKS BUTT that you were man enough to admit that you have insecurities as well. Seriously! I know that men do – it is just refreshing to see someone be real about it instead of puffing their chest and putting on a show. The multiple perspectives on this issue have given me so much and it feels so comforting to know that I am not alone in this struggle. Thank you!
Kris- It really made me think when I read that you were saddened by the article. It made me realize that if I was reading it about anyone else I would be sad too. I would want to try and make them feel beautiful and to stop judging themselves. I often wonder why I can’t give the same sympathy and compassion to myself. Something to think on I guess. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and even more for the thoughtful response.
Jamie – I am going to look this song up right away. The words are beautiful and something that I think I need to see daily! What a great idea to have a reminder on your cell phone! I am struggling daily to be someone who cares only about making Him proud. It is harder that I can even say; especially since I have always pictured him to be less that pleased with me most of the time. I guess that is something else I should look into.
Ian- I can’t wait to read your article!!
Thursday, July 30, 2009 at 8:19 am
Tiffany, I feel like this article sums up so totally clearly what every woman feels, if not every day, at least a part of her days. I don’t think there’s any woman out there who hasn’t heard mean voices from a mirror for at least some portion of her life, I know I do all the time. Reading this was so moving, you have this uncanny ability to make readers feel that kind of happiness that’s twinged with bitter, it’s a pretty rare ability, and I think it’s one of the most amazing things about you. I am SO glad you are writing for all to read. Also, reading about your childhood insecurities, those little physical quirks that made you who you were as a kid, reading about how other kids actually made fun of those almost made me cry. When I see pictures and home videos of you as a little girl, literally the only thought I have, every time, is how absolutely shining you were. Amazingly happy, so incredibly kind, that kind of incurable optimist that you just want to be around. And really, Tiffany, nothing has changed. The mirror might lie and tell you otherwise, but I know you are just the same.
Thursday, July 30, 2009 at 3:49 pm
Amen sister.
You know, I tell myself- does my heart work? My brain healthy? My legs and arms and fingers and toes all wiggle? Yes. Than I should feel great! Do I? No.
Instead, I want thinner legs, no spider veins, tanner skin, flatter stomach, smaller nose, etc etc etc. It’s a destructive cycle- one that I’m still not out of (are we ever?). But I try, I TRY, to measure my beauty through God’s eyes- not America’s eyes. We all think people care about the way we look much more than they really do.
Friday, July 31, 2009 at 2:53 pm
Heidi- Thank you. I don’t know what else to say. I always assume people perceive me as I perceive myself. When those that are to love you unconditionally are, at times, your biggest critic, it occasionally leaves you with no other way to think. To hear what you see will last me a long time; especially coming from you. I have always looked up to you and your ability to live life with ease. No matter what life throws your way you seem to walk through with a smile and amazing wisdom and beauty! It is an ability I continually strive for.
As far as the cruelty of other children it still makes me sad. Not for myself but to think of what my future children may have to endure. I know it is supposed to make you strong, and I’m not doubting that it does, yet words can never be forgotten and some of those cuts last a life time. I hope that I will not be “that” mom that goes to school and beats up an 8 year old.
Lauren- The most amazing thing about writing this article was to see how other women (and men – thanks again Brian) deal with this never ending battle. The perspectives that other people offered up are things that will help my mirror shut up a HECK of a lot more than it does now. It was also refreshing to learn that every girl struggles with this. As I was reading the comments (and e-mails from friends that didn’t want to post public comments) I realized that everyone that I know personally are absolutely beautiful girls. Girls that I have compared myself to and wished that I could have this or that equal to their’s. To find out that they have insecurities about the very things I have compared myself to was a wake up call indeed. Your comment about us thinking people care about what we look like way more than they actually do was so GREAT! I seriously seem to think that everyone is looking at my every flaw where ever I go – thank you for reminding me that people have other things to notice besides my movie theater sized forehead.
Seriously though – thank you for sharing your perspective and your insecurities; you are definitely one that I would have pegged to not have any.
Friday, July 31, 2009 at 8:24 pm
Tiffany,
I’m kind of slow to jump in on this, but still want to add my two cents’ worth. I’ve been a massage therapist for 13 years, and I hear lots of people express similar insecurities about their bodies and their appearance. Often they confess fears that I will judge their bodies (too fat, too short, too bumpy, too speckled….), and I am always so saddened by that assumption. It takes about 2 weeks in this profession to realize that Barbie and Ken don’t exist. EVERY body has flaws and quirks and hair in funny places. I expect it, and I don’t give it a moment’s thought.
Instead, what I’m usually thinking as I work is how amazing the human body is, and how well it continues to function even under stress and abuse and the rigors of age. I admire and even cherish the person under my hands, not “in spite of” any flaws but with unblinking acceptance of the reality of who they are. I think it’s God’s way of giving me just a little taste of the delight that He takes in each of us as His creation, and I always hope it comes through somehow in my touch.
I would pray for you — and for all of us, women and men — that we might perceive that delight in our mirrors as well. God surely sees in us the same beauty that we see in the face of a beloved friend, and we are simply foolish to let the self-deprecating voices in our heads argue against such loving acceptance.
Saturday, August 1, 2009 at 9:10 am
Sue thank you so much for reading and more importantly thank you for commenting. You are never too late. As I said above to Lauren, the best part about writing this article was all the different perspectives that were written from all different types. You bring a whole other perspective that is really inspiring to read. Admiration of God’s creation rather than judgement of imperfection. It seems that this is a mind set that would be very benificial for me and a great deal of other women to have.