I’m Sorry, Why Does the World Owe You?
I once knew a girl that was extremely addicted to crack and Xanax. Apparently crack to go and Xanax to stop. It was a horribly deadly combination, and when she came to me for help I was there with open arms. She stated she wanted to change her ways, she had two children that needed her and she had gone too far down this road. She said all the right things and I was willing to do absolutely anything to help her. I gave her money, time, sleepless nights, you name it I helped in any way I knew how. It seemed though, that every couple months she would have a “relapse” or a “set back” or whatever else you would like to call it and after each time I almost walked away. Yet she always had a good reason, and a well thought out apology and, funny thing, it usually was someone else’s fault so I should not be mad at her. It always worked and we would start the process all over again. Except for the last time.
The proverbial straw that broke this camel’s back was a weekend of hell that I will never forget. She stole my car, got too high to remember how to bring it back (it was, apparently, just supposed to be a short jaunt), called to tell me where it was numerous times and then kept moving it. At the end of the weekend the State Patrol had to track her down in a little dump apartment in the middle of no where. My car was in pretty good condition considering, but I had to know why. Why after MONTHS of help had she done this to me. She cried and told me she was sorry, but that was not good enough because it didn’t tell me why. The reason I finally got pushed me away for good. She informed me that her mom was never very nice to her growing up and so it made her do terrible things. I told her I loved her and I hoped that she would eventually be able to find the help she needed but I was not the one to give it to her, and I walked away.
Since that crazy time in my life I have noticed that it was not just this one lost girl that felt this way. It seems to be a good portion of the population that has a perpetual excuse for terrible actions. I see it on TV, hear about it on the radio and experience it often in my personal life. People from all different races and backgrounds all with the same feeling that the world owes them. It could be that their mom didn’t hug them, they had a strict dad, or it could even be more horrific than that but the end result is always the same. They are entitled to make horrible choices due to the fact that they were dealt a crappy hand.
I not only don’t understand this way of thinking, but really have no time for it. I’m not trying to sound cold and I do understand that if something proves to take away hurt and pain for even a short time it seems worth pursuing. I have done my fair share of it. See, I was not dealt what you would call a winning hand either. In fact if I really look at it I was dealt a hand that most people would have folded; and I will be the first to admit that I have made poor choices in my life; I have carried a big suitcase of baggage with me and tried to find many ways to cover the pain. However it has never worked, and when it failed the only person I pointed my finger at was me. I made choices to do irresponsible things. My past may have made it sound like a good idea but in the end it was me that made the choice.
I fight every day to make good choices. Some days are good, some days not so much. Covering up hurt feels really good and sometimes the rationalization to do so wins over the knowledge that in the end it will just hurt more. However if we can all stop living the lie that the world some how owes us because the people before us made terrible choices and start living with the truth that what we have all gone through has made us who we are today, I think we would be a stronger group of people.
People will continue to make poor choices and hurt those closest to them. The hurt that spawns from that will go on for generations. Yet in the end the world owes no one. Once we are old enough to make our own decisions we are responsible for them. So why not make our decisions good ones. Why not show the mom that didn’t hug or the dad that did horrific things; why not show them by hugging more, by loving like no one ever showed and succeeding in ways no one ever thought possible. Maybe in reality the ultimate end to pain is to break the cycle.
Sunday, August 23, 2009 at 12:44 pm
Tiffany,
You just wrote my life story, too! I commend you for understanding the truth and being brave enough to embrace it in your life so that you could share it with others. It is indeed freeing to take on responsiblility for our choices which brings about powerful changes in our life and the next generations to come, hopefully breaking unhealthy cycles once and for all. The truth you write about is the only real love, requiring gut renching decisions at times, but resulting in changed, healthy lives.
Your wisdom is refreshing!!
Monday, August 24, 2009 at 7:08 am
One of the greatest conundrums in life is to remember the difference between an excuse and a reason; they often look very similar, but are two different things. (My father would often tell me that I couldn’t give him excuses, only reasons why I did something — which forced me to really examine why I had or had not done something and it was the best way to learn.) But, its often hard for those outside of another person’s actions or choices to really know the reasons behind what they did or didn’t do. Unfortunately, objective judgments don’t equal objective truths, just subjective ones.
Monday, August 24, 2009 at 9:11 am
Can I get an AMEN!!!! Well said Feef!
Monday, August 24, 2009 at 10:25 am
You inspire me. Seriously. This article is a breath of fresh air!!
Monday, August 24, 2009 at 9:02 pm
On the one hand, I share the indignation you described at being burned, as good intentions were taken advantage of. However, I can’t help but cringe as I read this article.
A focus on the individual as free and autonomous actor is an empowering narrative that is useful in many circumstances, and frequently most loudly touted by those who have managed to escape difficult circumstances (Cosby, for example). I think this is the point of the article, and I think it is valuable and useful, as far as it goes.
However, I do contest what I believe is the next step on a slippery slope: universally applying the narrative of individual responsibility. The narrow focus on agency blinds us to systemic problems to which we are complicit every day. Yet these forms are much more subtle, and perpetuated by large groups, so responsibility is splintered into a million shards (Wal-mart, for example). Is responsibility limited only to individuals, or can a group also be responsible?
Is it such a crazy idea that we, as a society, have created and continue to participate in political, judicial and economic systems that systematically harm other groups of people? Don’t they have a right to justice?
Tuesday, August 25, 2009 at 7:43 am
wow, I should have commented before Andrew. Anything I say will sound simple and uneducated for sure. I don’t even understand most of what he said.
Coming from a stay at home mom stance, I appreciate this article. I get really tired of young moms blaming their undisciplined children and irresponsible lifestyle on the fact that they didn’t have good role models. This is a crutch and an excuse to just check out the rest of your life. If you want to surround yourself with good role models you can. It just takes effort. So what that they aren’t your parents. It takes a village. If you look for people who mirror the kind of marriage and household you are looking for, you will find them. You may have to step outside your comfort zone and ask for knowledge and wisdom and accountability, but it can be done.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009 at 11:19 am
This is a tough issue for me. I agree in part with everyone here- the first is a matter of boundaries, and we should certainly protect ourselves from people who continually abuse us. Sometimes the best love is tough love, and walking away or creating distance at some point, as Barb said.
However, I fear that personal boundaries are becoming a license for dismissive apathy in this country. “Not my problem and not my fault” seems to be a quick and convenient conclusion and it is also often a fully ignorant one. If I’m understanding Brian and Andrew, then I do agree with them that we need to exercise caution before we dismiss people’s poor choices because those choices may be in response to a much larger injustice that we’ve chosen to ignore (and have thus become complicit in).
Brian and I watched a documentary on the gangs in L.A. recently. It shattered my assumptions by revealing a history of cultural exclusion, racism, targeted oppression and violence at the hands of the L.A.P.D. which eventually led to the formation of these gangs. While the documentary didn’t say “crime and gang violence are therefore o.k.” it was begging the audience to learn, to become educated, so that we may employ compassion and understanding in a way that is helpful and contextual to those people’s recovery and to addressing what we as a culture have allowed to exist that should have never been (the racial oppression). The documentary also showed how injustice can make the right decisions far more difficult than they ought to be. Difficulty in such situations is never the fault of the victim, it’s the fault of those causing the injustice. Poverty leads many to prostitution throughout the world. Should we really respond by saying “just don’t do it” or “shape up” when there are literally no other options at their fingertips, and a family of four in another country has no idea about the next meal? It is grotesque that we, with all of our excess and comfort, feel qualified to judge those who really know what it means to have nothing or to be the objects of ongoing violence and systemic neglect. None of us know what we’d do in the face of endless despair. And even in times of plenty we Americans find lots of ways to choose the worst for ourselves.
That’s not to say that folks here with healthy personal boundaries can’t be compassionate about third world injustice. We’re pretty good at having broken hearts and being angry not at those victims but at the conditions that created such a mess. But for some reason, issues within this country’s borders are far more likely to receive misplaced blame and impatience.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009 at 11:52 am
Andrew, I love your question: Is responsibility limited only to individuals, or can a group also be responsible?
Its worth considering how individual choices (and responsibility) affects group dynamics as well.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009 at 12:22 pm
Barb- Thank you so much for your response. It is funny, I was thinking you as I wrote this. You are a prime example of someone that took life’s poorly dealt hand and made the absolute most of it. You have made a great life for yourself and also raised 3 very well rounded children, therefore breaking the cycle. Thank you for giving me a good example to follow.
Didi and Court – I’m glad you enjoyed the article. Didi thank you so much for the support! Court it is GREAT to see your reply – I hope to see more of you around here.
Jamie – You are so correct. I could not have put it any better. It does take a village. I believe that complacency can be a breeding ground for the victim mentality. The thought process that when one bad thing happens (or several for that matter) it will never get any better; thus feeding into he way of life that allows people to just sit back and wait for life to get better without their active participation. Stop feeling sorry and make it better. I heard a story the other day about a woman who had multiple horrible things happen to her (i.e. she lost her job, her husband left her, she had no money, kids were sick, she got sick, no money, the list goes on and on) and so she started a journal. Every single day (no exception) she wrote down five things she was grateful for. The journal changed her life. Things are now better and she is a happy grateful person that is making positive things happen. I understand that life is going to kick us down…I just think it is our responsibility to find a way to get back up…occasionally over and over again.
Brian, Andrew and Ian- I am truly sorry if you felt that I was being judgmental to the population as a whole. I am super passionate about this subject from past experiences in my life and sometimes that can come off as calloused, I’m sure. I definitely was not speaking about people who know no other way. Or those who are in survival mode every day of their lives. In fact my heart breaks for them. Put in the situation to fight for my life (or in the future, my children’s lives) there is no doubt in my mind that I would stop at absolutely nothing. Laws would not be a thought in my mind; morals would cease to exist. The survival instinct knows no boundaries and I judge no one that is just trying to see tomorrow; and the instinct of a mother just trying to protect her children is nothing to be messed with. These are the things that sadden me often.
What I don’t understand, and often feel angry about, are the people that have been given every single possible resource to make life better yet continually ignore the help being offered for the more “preferred” method of sitting on the couch waiting for life to get better all on it’s own. It takes work, and in Barb’s words “gut wrenching decisions” a lot of the time. Sitting around waiting for life to rock gets no one anywhere. These are the ones that frustrate me. I heard a story once of a boy who went around flattening people’s tires. When asked why he did it he said that he was raised on around a nuclear plant, was made to wear braces in high school, and his mom was mean. Hmmm…I had head gear WITH braces. Does this mean I am allowed to shoplift at Nordstrom? It sounds asinine but people seem to have this mentality.
I just think it is possible to (excuse the saying) polish a turd. I know so many people that have lived through complete brutality in their past yet took it, dusted themselves off and made a life that blew everyone away.
I’m not trying to be judgmental; just trying to get people to think, in Brian’s words, is it an excuse or a reason? Quite possibly, in my opinion, the best way to think about it.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009 at 4:01 pm
Tiff,
I, in no way, think that you were referring to people in least industrialized nations where poverty is the norm and THEIR governments put little effort into changing their situations i.e. greed, religious/gender oppression etc being some of the reasons for this. You are talking about the people, like you said, in your response that have people that are willing to help and after a while those people, like yourself realize your help is being taken for granted and now you are just enabling their bad behavior. Intervention rolls along those lines of cutting the addicts and users off for a reason. Healthy people do not remain healthy if they have nothing in their bank, financially and love/emotionally.
Yes, there are so many ways society, in a different conversation pertaining to a different group of in crisis individuals can and should be held accountable for their standing in society. From healthcare, education, decent food, love and proper attention. Those are grand scale issues that, in my personal opionion, are held back from being made better because of the wealthy societies in countries that are content with their people being poor and long as they are rich. When the mentality changes, the atrocities will as well. However, please tell me, when in history this sudden change in mindset has happened? Reality of what is and will be can make trying to make it better an achieveable goal. Poverty and social issues etc, sad to say, will always exist. Good job girl!
Tuesday, September 1, 2009 at 8:17 am
I think it’s an issue of both/and. While I have never had my car stolen from a friend/mentee, I too have supported people who hurt me and do not grow as I want them to. It is true that we can’t change others; we can change ourselves, and we can help others. Boundaries were mentioned earlier, which are very important, and sadly usually learned through trial/error. Oftentimes we do have to cut people off if they are abusing a help, and find new ways to help or a new time to help.
Several people brought up great points here. I believe that there are things like group responsibility, systemic injustice, institutionalized injustice, etc. But there are also things like personal decisions, cognitive pro/con evaluations, etc. The both/and, and it is dangerous to say that only one side is in play in any situation.
It’s a common parenting lesson to learn that a child can have the perfect parents but still turn out rebellious, or a child can have the worst parents and turn out perfect. These are anomalies, for some reason their make-up of who they are and God’s workings result in that. But not so for others.
There are many examples of systems and injustices in our world. In the case of your friend, we also need to remember that she has an addiction. (Again, explanation/reason/background info, not excusing it away). Addictions of any kind are physical, mental, emotional, chemical. They most often cannot be just stopped. There are always deeper issues than the physical/chemical issues that need to be dealt with – things like stress management, responses to anger, habits and patterns, healing from childhood wounds, etc – that take time, help, guidance.
It is not a simple situation. But it is so much more than one decision by one person.
Peace.