Meeting God…Again
I often hear people talk about a life altering experience that lead them to God. Something that had them face down, at their wits end, rock bottom, crying, and at their darkest moment God showed himself to them, they accepted him and moved forward forever changed, passionate about their Savior. I, personally, have never had this experience.
I have “known” God since I was old enough to repeat a prayer to ask him into my heart. I was present at Sunday School, Wednesday night church, weekly prayer meetings at our house and Sunday morning services (where I sat very still because there were two candies in it for me at the end if I did).  However I never felt like I really knew God. I knew a god that existed on a felt board in our Sunday School class, I knew a Jesus that existed in my Grandma’s pictures or in the Lord’s Prayer that I prayed nightly; but when times got tough or life was sad I never felt like he was a God I could turn to., especially since he was often disappointed in me (especially if I spoke of butts or farts…or crud {because it was vulgar}). I often wondered why God was so upset and disappointed all of the time but figured that since he was God he was entitled to do as he pleased.
Of all the things I knew of God the thing I was the most certain of was that he had to be in your heart or you would burn in hell for all eternity. Since I could not really remember the first invitation I had extended, I re-invited him…every single day, occasionally doing it a few times over just to make sure he received the invitation. I was little and thought he might not hear me…especially since I might have just spoke of a butt.  My vision of God was Him sitting on His throne with an oversized sized pencil that had the biggest eraser possible on it and my spot in the Lamb’s Book of Life was wearing very thin. I had a daily mission to make sure my name kept re-appearing. It was a lot of pressure but I was certain that with enough perseverance I could secure my spot.
When I was a teenager learned more about the God that I could never please. I tried as hard as I could, yet at the end of each day I found myself begging for forgiveness for all the sins it seemed I had committed that day. I figured he must consider me a lost cause, his one mistake. I was never going to get it right, and I was pretty sure He already knew that. I almost felt stupid for trying so hard but I could not give up. There had to be something I could do. Yet I was constantly told that he was angry with me, furious in fact, and I had better get praying or he might never forgive me. He turned into someone who was only around to catch my mistakes and being a constant disappointment was something I felt I could not handle much longer. Perhaps Hell didn’t sound so bad.
When I moved out into a world where making my own choices was now an option, I decided that this God that everyone talked about was angry and unable to be pleased. He had either made one mistake (me) or I was just to incompetent to figure out how to make him love me. Either way it was probably time to part ways. I told my Uncle that if God was anything like what I knew Him to be I would rather rot in hell. He told me, in the patient way he always does, that he understood and hoped that some day I would figure out the truth.
I went my own way, did my own things and only ever talked to God when I was angry, or if I wanted to make a deal. Perhaps he could help me out of a jam,  maybe grant a wish or two, so to speak. He was almost a genie of sorts for me but there was, by no means, a relationship; and the wrath that I felt when it seemed He had left me hanging was  nothing to be messed with and it justified my belief that He had left me hanging. God’s love was something I knew nothing of, and I was quite content on my soap box with an anger that fueled my fire daily.  I once told my Grandma that if I felt as welcome in church as I did in a bar perhaps I would show up more often. I thought in hindsight that it was something that should not have been said but I didn’t care. Loving father? HA! Not in my lifetime.  I no longer gave Him an opportunity to reject me…I was going to reject Him this time. It didn’t really get me very far but I was too stubborn to see that.
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My Sister in Law recently invited me to a Bible Study. I was immediately unsure of how this would go but I have been trying to pry myself out of my comfort zone so I agreed to attend. After I agreed I spent some time thinking about how long I had carried this weight of bitterness and anger towards God. It had been so long that I could not really remember thinking any other way.  I was excited about the new experience but was very skeptical that this would just end up being another addition to my arsinal of judgemental, angry “Christian” experiences.  The journey this ended up taking me on has started to change my thoughts in an exciting way.
Once I stepped off my soap box long enough to open my heart, just a tiny little teency bit, I realized that there is love out there and I am starting to learn about a different side of God; a loving side. I am learning that even though I am as far away from perfect as I can get He isn’t throwing me out of Heaven just yet.  It is the most exciting news. To think that maybe He is not constantly disappointed, in fact He might just be occasionally proud, and that  He probably does not care if I say “Butt” and might just have bigger things to worry about than my mouth, are truths that make me think that maybe I can succeed.  If it is true that He might not consider me to be his only mistake but in fact might be proud of my feisty, sassy, questioning personality then maybe he could be that loving Father everyone talks about.
I may never experience that life altering, rock bottom, extreme testimony experience; but this new side of God that I am getting to know gives me hope. Perhaps after all the years of being angry I am finally learning the truth, and although I am still skeptical and waiting cautiously for the “Angry, Disappointed God” to come back,  Hell is sounding more terrible by the second.  I think with some perseverance on my part, learning about the truth and letting go of the past,  God and I might just be able to make this relationship work.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009 at 9:43 pm
Reading this made my night! What a great description of life’s faith Journey! God bless, I have faith in your return to Him!
Thursday, September 3, 2009 at 9:11 am
This was wonderfully written. Thank you Tiffany for giving us a glimpse of your journey! It is so very familar to me
Thursday, September 3, 2009 at 10:14 am
Tiff, thank you for opening your heart and sharing your story with us. This was poignantly funny, heartbreaking, and deeply hopeful. It sounds to me like you are not actually meeting God “again,” but rather, just finally meeting him for the first time. The whole point of knowing Christ is that we never have to know God’s judgment or condemnation, either in our own hearts day-t0-day or in the life to come. When God looks at us — his children — he sees what Jesus did, not our failures. There is no condemnation in Christ. Period. That pencil-wielding, finger-wagging old man on the throne isn’t God. It’s a demon sent to torment you (seriously!). The question is not whether we can “lose” our salvation, but whether God can lose one of his children. And he can’t. He’s God!
I also think your story beautifully illustrates both the absolute importance of sound doctrine (meaning a right understanding of who God is) and the devastating consequences of elevating doctrine (i.e. head knowledge) above love. True doctrine — the gospel — IS love, and when we separate the two, we miss the truth altogether.
I hope and pray your journey with Christ continues to unfold so beautifully. Love you!
Thursday, September 3, 2009 at 10:44 am
I’m standing on the sidelines cheering as you travel down this road, exploring your new relationship with God. I can tell you from personal experience, God is indeed a God of love and forgiveness…. I will be eternally grateful for both! I, for one, traveled down some pretty dramatic dead ends on my life’s journey before I found the U-turn I needed to get back on the right road. How exciting and comforting it was to find Him standing there with open arms, welcoming me back on the right track. As I struggled to regain a relationship with my family and friends, He was there, holding my hand, hugging away tears, and encouraging me to keep trying. I could not survive, and choose not to live without Him.
Thanks for sharing your story. I encourage you to continue your search for the truth. Jump in with both feet. God loves you…… and so do I.
Thursday, September 3, 2009 at 12:55 pm
Thanks for the interesting post. Having been inundated at an early age with the necessity of being “born again” or burning in hell, I questioned religion a lot – not God. After all, religion is the interpretation of what God is and wants, by men (not many women set up religions BTW). I used to go to Sunday school and Junior Fellowship – all great experiences, however, when people started floating the “fact” that dinosaurs were 6,000 years old and started showing that awful movie about the rapture every summer – ‘Thief in the Night’ – I just decided that maybe religion was caught up in side issues vs. shepherding me toward God. Around 7th grade, I decided to take matters into my own hands and establish a direct line to God, without the aid of religion. It’s been a life long learning experience, but I feel like my intuition and exploration has led me to a strong sense of spirituality and a bigger appreciation of God that I find satisfying. I believe that God is pretty smart and speaks to people in whatever way it takes to get them to listen and explore the best way to evolve their souls.
Some people do find God in organized religion, others find him/her/it in charity work, their families, friends or in every day life – all good ways. I just happen to think there are a lot of good ways to get to God and it’s not always through emotional extortion or fear of damnation. That said, maybe some people are motivated by that. I think it would be hard to have an authentic, independently chosen belief if you are “believing” just to get into heaven or to stay out of hell.
Life is probably its own reward or punishment – depending on how you pursue it – you don’t have to wait until it’s over to find yourself rewarded or punished. It might be that God, no matter how you get to him, may assist you in creating a good life now.
Thursday, September 3, 2009 at 8:48 pm
Amen Kris! And Fifi- I’m glad that as you grow up- you are finding yourself and your own truths….
I’ve explored organized religions on a pretty vast spectrum- I had a reformed Catholic step-family, a Baptist and Methodist maternal family, an atheist/Catholic paternal family and last but not least a Morman step-family….. I tagged along with family, friends and neighbors to church all of my youth….. and while I found great comfort in knowing Him- I too- have ALWAYS
Thursday, September 3, 2009 at 8:58 pm
ALWAYS- struggled with Theology vs Biology…. and the fact the folks who have always pushed the biggest “sister bertha better than you” front…. typically- always had the most skeletons in the closet….. those folks that fronted their massive hypocrosy, jealousy and sinning lifestyles…. all veiled in the name in religion… and then the “show” they would put on- begging for forgiveness when found out- pathetic….. and scaring children into believing- to get them to behave or conform- hogwash! That’s not how you direct folks- young or old- to a Father who is all knowing and all loving…..
He knows- He knows we’re faulted- He already expected that! He knows we’re sorry- he anticipated that too….. He knows we’ll be back- because we always come back.
It’s far better that we arrive at the decision to trust, know and love him- on our terms. No grandious church, bake sale or ladies auxillary can provide you the love and the knowledge you achieve by arriving at that decision on your own.
Live your best life- be kind- smile much and love big- that’s all he ever asked of any of us.
Love ya girl- good luck on your journey.
Friday, September 4, 2009 at 7:47 am
So glad you are revisiting the idea of getting to know God. I do believe its the most important relationship of your life. I do believe people neglect it and don’t spend enough time nurturing it. Including myself. If it was easy, everybody would be doing it…. hang in there. The reward will be worth it.
Friday, September 4, 2009 at 12:14 pm
Perhaps it would also help to know that God is not simply loving and caring toward those who bow down and offer themselves, as slaves, but to everyone, and that he is not the vindictive, cruel monster so many Christians make him out to be.
In other words, he has not intention of sending anyone to Hell, because there is no Hell, and if there were one, he’d be the first to turn off the flames, get everyone in there out, and shut the place down.
I’ve actually written an entire book on this topic–”Hell? No! Why You Can Be Certain There’s No Such Place As Hell,” (for anyone interested, you can get a free Ecopy of my book at my website: http://www.ricklannoye.com), but if I may, let me share one of the many points I make in it so you can be 100% positive that God would never, ever be anything but loving and caring and forgiving and understanding.
If one is willing to look, there’s substantial evidence contained in the gospels to show that Jesus opposed the idea of Hell. For example, in Luke 9:51-56, is a story about his great disappointment with his disciples when they actually suggested imploring God to rain FIRE on a village just because they had rejected him. His response: “You don’t know what spirit is inspiring this kind of talk!” Presumably, it was NOT the Holy Spirit. He went on, trying to explain how he had come to save, heal and relieve suffering, not be the CAUSE of it.
So it only stands to reason that this same Jesus, who was appalled at the very idea of burning a few people, for a few horrific minutes until they were dead, could never, ever burn BILLIONS of people for an ETERNITY!
True, there are a few statements that made their way into the gospels which place Hell on Jesus lips, but these adulterations came along many decades after his death, most likely due to the Church filling up with Greeks who imported their belief in Hades with them when they converted.
As long as the idea that God could torture anyone, for any length of time, then, of course, there would be doubts about how he feels toward anyone. Heaven would be impossible, because any God who could hurt so many people in Hell, is NOT the kind of being you could trust to treat you any differently.
Fortunately, he is not like that.
Monday, September 14, 2009 at 1:49 pm
For a clear picture of how God deals with false teachers, read 2 Peter chapter 2
Friday, September 4, 2009 at 2:35 pm
Tiffany we share some surprisingly similar experiences in our upbringing, but I think you’ve done a better j0b than I could at explaining what it felt like to have them.
Remember these things: they help me, and I believe they’ll help you. Christ died on the cross not so that you could be fully perfect but so you could be fully human. He paid the price already. Only religion tells you that you’ll have to do that.
And if an earthly father, far from perfect, can have the nuanced understanding to value your uniqueness and nurture and encourage your best, how much more does your Heavenly Father love and value your uniqueness and work to grow you in relationship with Him on terms that will glorify his kingdom?
Religion is fearful, God is daring love. Not generally speaking, but for YOU personally. Awesome, isn’t it?
Friday, September 4, 2009 at 10:04 pm
Tiffany thank you so much for your honest and candid words. I remember the first day of my jr. high bible class: ms. amble asked the entire class to write down on a piece of paper whether or not we were certain we were on our way to heaven. “Make sure you’re very certain before you write anything down,” she said. And I remember the last class: she had us answer the same question, wanting to know if we had changed our minds or felt differently. She didn’t ask if we had a better understanding of Jesus, or if we more fully felt his love, or understood why he died for us. Her only concern was if we knew whether or not we would be dammed to hell. I think she mirrored perfectly what I find appalling about the scare tactics that are so prevalent in religion.
God is perfect love, and nothing else. I’m so glad that you’re realizing that truth.
Saturday, September 5, 2009 at 3:30 pm
willohroots – I’m really happy that you enjoyed this. Thank you for the encouragement.
Jael – It is funny how many people I meet that have shared this same journey and it is very exciting for me to meet them. Thank you for taking the time to read and to comment. I really appreciate the kind words.
Heather – You bring up a good point; perhaps I am meeting God for the first time. If I really never knew anything but a lie then I never “knew God”. Your comments really made me think. Thank you so much. I really look forward to them. I cracked up when you broke down for me the portrait I had painted of God – “That pencil-wielding, finger wagging old man on the throne” – it really paints quite a picture, doesn’t it? Seriously. Who would want anything to do with Him? Getting to know the real God is something I am very excited about and something that gives me great comfort.
Jeanne – First let me say that I am SO excited to see a comment from you. And reading about your journey with God gives me so much hope. Not having to go through the horrific times all by myself anymore is the most comforting thought. Thank you also for the “jump in with both feet” comment…it is probably time I stop wriggling my toes in the water and just GO FOR IT!
Sometimes I need a small kick in the butt.
Kris – I ABSOLUTELY could not agree with you more! Your comment was SO encouraging. I have always thought the same way. I see so many people living under so much guilt that they have to do this or must do that or they will not be obeying God (i.e. going to church EVERY Sunday). I have always felt that if you are doing something because you feel guilted into it then are you really getting something out of it? I feel that God wants us to do things because we love him and want to serve him – not because we are trying to appease our guilt. That being said I think that some people get a lot out of going to church every Sunday and that is what they deeply want to do to obey God in their lives. I just sometimes feel that we all need to question our motives and search for what God wants for our lives. I am constantly searching and questioning and guilt and terror are no longer going to motivate my actions. And the constant obsession with the rapture is another thing I could go on about for way too long. Movies like “The Thief in the Night” terrify me. I think that we should all live for God each day to our best ability and when He chooses to come back then that is the best news ever – but why spend all our time obsessing about an event that we may never see in our life time? Anyways – I could blab on and on but thank you very much for taking the time to read and write your thoughts. I very much enjoyed reading them.
Didi – I, once again, LOVED your comment. I always know when I see your name that I am in for something great. However to keep my reply simple, this line – “No grandious church, bake sale or ladies auxillary can provide you the love and the knowledge you achieve by arriving at that decision on your own.” made me laugh, gave me so much insight, and once again proved why I love the HECK out of you!! Thank you for sharing your thoughts!
Jamie- Thank you so much for asking me to that Bible Study, I have really learned a lot and can’t wait to learn more. I know that it will not always be such a happy road and struggles and hardship are part of the journey – but, here’s to trusting just a little bit today…perhaps more tomorrow…or maybe next week.
Rick- I really enjoyed your comments on how loving our God is. I do however have some questions about there being no Hell. I don’t believe that we as Christians should be constantly in fear of it and use it as the only reason to “believe” in God – however I do believe that it exists. The question that I pose to you is this: I have heard it said that the God will not force Himself on anyone and gives everyone their free will to make their own decisions. There are people out there that make a choice daily to turn from God. They want nothing to do with Him and even more so, some choose to blatantly worship Satan. Will our God force these people to spend eternity with someone they hate? Another thought I have is; what are the consequences to our actions when we blatantly turn from God? I would enjoy hearing your thoughts. Thank you for taking the time to read my post.
Ian – Thank you so much for this: “Religion is fearful, God is daring love” it is something that I will think about often. It pretty much sums it up in a nut shell. Your comment, as always, leaves me with a lot to think about.
Heidi – Your story could not be a better example of what I was talking about and what I have felt SO much of. WHY are people not teaching about the LOVE of God?? Why are people not focusing on a relationship with God? Why is the only reason provided for serving, who is supposed to be, a loving father, an extreme threat of punishment? If God was accurately depicted I have no doubt that people would be flocking to him in unfathomable numbers. Thank you for sharing your story, and the truth.