Battle Among the Sexes?

by Guest Contributor Brian Robinson

A good friend of mine that I have known for years recently wrote a post on her blog that got me to thinking. (Yes, a rare feat, but I do actually think…or at least I like to think I do). Her post focused on how female friends treat each other, especially as girls and young women. How there is a whole separate language amongst women that men generally don’t tune into. It’s not that  ’Men Are From Mars’ sort of idea — that’s more specifically about how men and women communicate between the genders — but about how the genders communicates among themselves. (If you would like to read the post first hand, and I suggest you do, you will find it here).

The title of her article is ‘Some of My Best Friends Are Men’ and in it she illustrates just how common it is for groups of young girls to learn early and well how easy it is to turn a group of girls against an individual should that singular girl step out of line or, worse, not realize she’s in a line. There is a secret language to master and woe be upon those who don’t learn to interpret it. She writes,  “It is vital to know this second language and the unwritten protocol of girls or you will never have a chance to learn how to maneuver through the female undercurrent successfully. You will be outcast, chastised, politely ignored or hated by most women if you don’t learn the rules.” Damn, it sounds perilous to be a female!

While I have known my friend, Kris, since the first grade, I can only say that I have seen some evidence of what she’s written about first-hand. I admit that I am sometimes like the clueless American tourist standing in the middle of a shopping square in The Faroe Islands and listening to an argument over a sales price conducted in Faroese. I know something is going on, but whether its bad or not or whether it even concerns me is somewhat fuzzy. I have been standing there when one woman says something that, on the surface, sounds perfectly caring and reasonable, only to hear the woman she’s talking to respond with a measure of ice in her voice. Somebody just screwed up, and that’s all I know; which is the recipient or the sender of the insult remains a mystery. Just duck and/or walk away.

Kris makes the point that  “Good friendships with guys are more a matter of respect and holding your own.” I tend to agree with that. The basis of most of my lasting male friendships have been built on mutual respect. I can’t think of a successful friendship I have had with a guy without it. Have I had friendships where I wasn’t particularly respected or respected by the other person? Sure. Did they last long? Nope. There is something about having respect for a good friend that just increases your admiration of who they are and how they lead their life. It doesn’t mean we will always see eye to eye about how each other leads their life, but we see reasons to respect what one another does or what choices are made. We may hand each other a  ‘ration of shit’, but we never intend to cross that line that leads to scathing personal attacks that are meant to undermine the other’s self confidence. In a way, to see the other person lose that confidence could undermine our own sense of respect for them; I think in our American culture its hard to respect another man who is without basic self-confidence. For the American woman, it sometimes seems to be the goal to reduce that self-confidence just enough to make one feel superior to the other. Men generally don’t use coded language to undermine other men, for better or worse we are more direct about liking or not liking someone. It would be an oddity for a man to invite someone to a party that they don’t really like, and spend the party being snarky about the person they didn’t want there in the first place.

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Saying that, I don’t think confidence bashing is solely for the women in our society. There are certainly those men in our world who live to tear other guys (and women) down. But, this is mostly seen in bigger business and homegrown abusers. In business, some men think it’s a sign they are actually GOOD at business if the people around them are properly cowed and fearful. Managing by fear is one of those hangovers from the  ‘Mad Men’ era of business and it dies hard. As for the abusive ones, they tend to turn their power for denigration to their families and their wife in particular. And in an odd twist, these are the guys who are attracted to women with the broken sense of self. I have often told my friend Kris that most guys have the oddly natural ability to walk into a room of women and determine who has the lowest self-confidence in the room. It may have something to do with our lizard-brained hunting instinct from long ago, or some pack hunting mentality, but I swear it’s there. But, it’s the guy who still mostly has a lizard sized brain who uses this ‘instinct’ for his own selfish, sick needs. And, I have to say, I have known a few in my life who are very comfortable relying on that in a crowded party. But, they number among the short-term friendships I have had in my life, thank goodness.

Lucky for me, I can point to friendships like the one I have with Kris and say  ‘YES, men and women can be friends!’ I usually get funny looks after saying that, as it’s a rarity outside of marriages or sexually based relationships. But, Kris has always been an honorable person who speaks her mind and uses her considerable brain power to support her friends and others who deserve it. Her husband is one lucky S.O.B (and, he IS an S.O.B….see, there is that  ‘shit ration’ I mentioned; please make a note of it) to have a wife that can enter into any social situation and not be expected to be the ‘Mad Men’ shrinking violet at the table. She is more likely to be equal good parts of both Peggy Olson and Joan Halloway…and believe me, I have seen Kris shoot that same look across the room that Joan did when her husband put her on the spot to play the accordion at that dinner party…it is NOT a look you want to be on the receiving end of. And, seriously, if you are wondering who these characters I am referring to are, what are you doing not watching  ‘Mad Men’ on AMC on Sunday nights?! It’s after  ‘True Blood’ so you have no excuse to keep missing it!