Where I’ve Been Lately
The footsteps form a question mark. It’s cheesy, I know.
One of the toughest things about blogging is knowing how much to share. It’s easy to focus on external gripes in a world gone wrong, but too much of the blogging community has become an outlet for complaints that don’t serve a greater purpose. The other end of extremes is broadcasting every little bit of personal drama but I find that approach to be narcissistic. I have always intended this blog to be a place where I, along with friends, could be honest about our insecurities and struggles while also speaking loudly about important issues on the outside. That was a lot easier for me before June 12, 2009. That was the day that I can safely say my old life died.
My wife and I have joined together in a battle since that day- a battle that we had hoped and prayed would never happen (and that we thought had gone away) but apparently things behind the scenes had been building quietly for months and months. This is not a dispute between my wife and I, just to be clear, and I’m not trying to be more interesting by being cryptic but the truth is, there are several important reasons why I am choosing not to speak too clearly about things. My hope is that in speaking about this issue, however vague, that someone might find comfort while in the middle of their own struggle.
It has been a year filled with confusion, with tears and weeping, with hope and hopelessness, with change, with fear and with certainty, and with miracles. It has been the most difficult year of my life, and we’re still not out of the woods yet. My relationship with God will never be the same; some aspects have suffered while others have been strengthened. I have seen God at work in direct ways that I would have never believed if it weren’t actually true. I have also felt abandoned by God at times. And through it all, many things that mattered- writing for this blog, creativity, serving and building some kind of ministry, growing in community at our church, making friends and maintaining friendships, life, romance, and adventure, they all have suffered. But these temporary losses have been necessary so that I could give myself over to the time and the mental energy (and rest) required to fight in this battle. It’s something worth hearing every now and then, that there are seasons when it’s okay and actually necessary to step away from everything else if the fight is an urgent and noble one. I feel like the message from God is one I’ve heard often in recent months: “wait. Be patient. Have faith.”
I certainly believe that God loves everyone, and desires that each of us respond to Him and to allow Him to walk with us in relationship. But I do not believe that, in loving each person, God is supportive of every side pertaining to every issue. How could he be if God seeks justice? I have grown in my life to be extremely cautious about claiming that God is on my side when it comes to conflict. I would rather pray for wisdom and discernment and do my best to make good decisions while leaving God’s “side” up to Him (and I’m likely to think God doesn’t have a side much of the time but that’s for another post). The world has suffered because America (like so many nations before it) too often proceeds from the mindset that “God is always with us” and uses that to accomplish (and soon completely forget about) horrible things. But in this struggle I do hope and pray that God is on our side, and that while he loves all people and is both patient and also persuing, he cannot possibly answer half of the prayers if half of the prayers are asking for destructive, selfish things.
I said earlier that this has been the hardest year of my life, and it has, but it has not been the worst. That is reserved for 2005, a messy year that beat me up and didn’t seem to have a lot of immediate benefit.  The difference between a bad year (then) and a hard year (now) is that the hard year is worth it. When I sit on the couch with my precious daughter, and she quietly closes the distance between us by scooting up against me and wrapping her arms around one of mine, I know that I would do the past few months all over again if I had to. This new life is more challenging than the old one, but it is also so much sweeter and I am endlessly grateful for it.
I hope to return to more regular posting here; my goal is once a week but that’s become a bit tougher these days. I should be able to improve from the once-a-month routine I had going in late summer. The one thing I haven’t been short of is opinions and topics that I’m dying to write about. I’ve probably got 2-3 potential books in my mind if I could ever find the time and clarity to sort through it all (whether they’ll be good books is another question). But even that is finally beginning, thanks to a new netbook, some motivation and the delicious allure of Windows 7 (my condolences to the Mac clique).
My family and I have been blessed in that, all things considered, we are doing remarkably well. We ask for your prayers as we seek to continue honoring God despite the limitations and struggles of being human, and to love people in this difficult time.
Saturday, November 14, 2009 at 11:22 pm
Ian, you know how I stand on many issues regarding faith. This is a beautiful and thoughtful blog. I do not enjoy the topic, you know why, but I enjoy the candor within it. You have again touched my heart and I feel moved to respond with what I hope is friendship & comfort.
Second, please remember that God is not causing your trials, but Satan is. This makes a difference when you feel abandoned, alienated and intrinsically alone. It is so easy to project our feelings onto our relationship with God (and I can tell you, I am at the moment experiencing a lot of that internal struggle– I’ll email you about it sometime!). And third, as you already know, God gave his Son on our behalf, that we might attain salvation…. Jesus makes an amazing King because he too has suffered excruciating trials, to which his “sweat poured as blood” and he became agitated and upset the night before— he knew his trial, *knew* it!– and still, he would do it again, because he loved his father that much. Let that alone bring a balm to your heart, that you, too, in your suffering of recent events would not hesitate to do it all over for your child… and in this, you are walking in Jesus’ fine example, of remembering love and fighting for it. You might feel ragged and exhausted, but what joy in the small moments you are finding to fill the ragged edges torn within your being.
I urge you to remember a couple of things when you are feeling the way you’re feeling, one, that God has a purpose for the earth, though the purpose he intended and the purpose humans have used life in general for is completely different at times. We might change our minds a hundred times about what we feel is just or right, but God doesn’t. He has and always will be just, loving and wise. It is hard for me to fathom this, I reckon I’m not alone
And you’re so right, God is politically neutral, he does not take country ‘a’ over country ‘b’… all of the people on earth are his children, and we endure suffering because he does “not desire any to be destroyed” but have all “attain repentance.” He is waiting for us all, and his hand is not short. Our 80 years of life are not even an hour on his time, it is us who feel it the most, time. Time, that cruel invention that measures our life’s length and breadth, and metes out the punishment if we seem to fail in our stride and stumble during the course. And thusly, we fight to live, to exist, to thrive, to fly… we fight all the time throughout, for the moment.
Long winded and lengthy this is, but those were the jangled, jumbled thoughts in my malfunctioning (as of late!) brain. I do hope that this helps you find a little comfort. Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “For everything you have missed, you have gained something. For everything you gain, you lose something else.” I have always found this a bittersweet truth about human condition of the weight of loss versus gain, and how it all works out.
Love to you and your wife and your sweet, sweet little girl. I’ll hug my children tighter a little bit on your behalf.
Sunday, November 15, 2009 at 12:47 am
Thanks, Ian.
Life is hard.
Not necessarily sure God designed it that way… Not really ready to blame Satan… it just is.
But ultimately… It’s worth the trouble….
As you so eloquently expressed.
Monday, November 16, 2009 at 12:28 pm
Hey Ian,
Sorry to hear about the trials you’re dealing with.
Your writing is some of the most thought provoking stuff I read anywhere on faith and life. Glad to hear you are keeping at it. I hope it helps in some way to deal with everything.
Monday, November 16, 2009 at 3:14 pm
Ian,
I have heard some of the news second-hand, so I have some idea of what is going on. Just know my thought are with you. My only advice is to focus on your own responsibilities, emotions, etc, since that is all that you can control. “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference” helped get me through the most difficult time in my life. Your friendship at that time helped and I am sorry I have not kept in touch more. (My own struggles with closeness continue)
Tuesday, November 17, 2009 at 9:58 am
One thing we can always count on is hard times. Like the saying goes we can’t know the good ones without the bad/hard ones.
The challenge we all face as humans is to see, understand and value the lessons of difficult periods in our lives. I do believe we are meant to learn a lesson or meaning in the constant challenges and that only once we are through them can we reflect and understand what in ‘the hell’ that was all about! It’s the getting through that is so hard, though!! I have no doubt you will get through it, Ian. You have friends, family and faith that will see to that.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009 at 2:48 pm
To all- much thanks for the thoughts, encouragement and advice. I really do appreciate it.
Saturday, November 28, 2009 at 7:57 am
I hope you do know I am thinking and praying for you and your family. Your thoughts always move me Ian. When I need a reminder about God’s love, I visit you here. Keeping focused is often a struggle for me as you know.
I sincerely hope you find peace soon. Although I do not know of or understand your situation, I see how hard this has been for you. Heather’s words of comfort are truly beautiful….I am sending thanks for her heart too.
Thanks for this space Ian.
Thursday, December 3, 2009 at 3:52 pm
Thank you, Beth. That’s not only one of the best compliments I could ever hope to receive but reading it this week in particular is helpful.
Your friend,
ian
Tuesday, December 15, 2009 at 3:24 pm
Ian,
I’m sorry to hear that you’re having a tough time. I may not know what’s going on, but God sure does. He knows your needs, your desires, and your struggles. You’re doing the right thing by allowing Him to guide you through and seeking His will, rather than your own. This year has been the most devastating in my life and sometimes it can be hard to keep having faith. But no matter what we go through in this life, there’s a beautiful life awaiting us with our Father in Heaven. I’ll pray that whatever is happening, God will show you ways you can learn from your situation and use this trial to help others. That’s what I’m holding onto. God may not be the one to give us trials (though sometimes He does), but He’ll often allow us to go through them so He can build our faith and open new opportunities to reach others.
Take care, my friend, and continue to have faith that God’s will will come to pass, whatever it may be.
Thursday, December 17, 2009 at 3:05 pm
Hi Pamela- thanks for this. I appreciate the encouragement and am sorry to hear you’ve had such a difficult year but you have a strong faith and a loving God to walk with you.
Monday, December 21, 2009 at 2:11 pm
God gave me a dream once. Cutting the (seemingly) long dream short, the message he gave me is that He loves the perpatrator as much as he loves the victim. He is in this horrible position everyday there is injustice in this world. Our Lord is a Lord of Love, and that satisfies all needs.
In trying to grow closer to him, i realised that He doesnt just give us what we need, but wants to make us happy. How crazy is that? Our Father wants us to be happy, and he wants you to be happy too. Just try and let him do it. We so often try and find ourselves what makes us happy, forgetting that He knows exactly how to make us happy. Grow intimate and give the Lord our most precious gift of time in this stupidly fast world. Spend some time seeking him and resting in his love. Its such an honour that we can spend time with the Spirit, not neccesarily feeling anything but just trusting that he is there. Im sure He’ll do some crazy things in you.
I felt through reading your blog that it was relevant.
if not, ill be praying for you anyway!
God Bless you.
Luc
Tuesday, December 22, 2009 at 4:30 pm
Luc- I really like what you had to say especially about slowing down, resting, spending time with God and His Spirit. I have come to believe that those things are essential as I seek to follow Christ. I don’t see how we can live worshipfully in response to God if we won’t listen. Doing is always harder than saying so but the blessings and the privilege are wondrous as you’ve said. I appreciate the reminder and that you spoke boldly about what you have known. I wish there were more men willing to…