Are We Ever Truly “Ready”?
The church I have been attending is doing a study on marriage. We are officially in week 3 of a 5 week study. When I heard about this I was excited to participate with people in a church environment. Marriage is something that I have very strong opinions about (especially after having a failed attempt at it under my belt).
As we entered in to week one the study gave me something to think about that blew my mind. I don’t really know why it affected me so strong, as I am sure that it is something that many have already thought about. However, here’s my aha moment: the pastor asked us to think about how much time, effort, and money goes into preparing for the wedding vs. how much time, effort, and money goes into preparing for the actual marriage. It absolutely rattled me.
To think of how big this commitment is and then to think of how little we all actually prepare for it blew me away. I can tell you that if I look at my own situation, I had the most perfectly planned wedding, so perfect in fact that the sun even set on time on the beach in Maui allowing for the perfect final picture. I had the most beautiful tiger lily bouquet, the minister was a male Hawaiian (just as I had requested) and the hula dancer was right in step. Everything was perfect. I spent a year planning it and had a team of two ladies working on it feverishly. We met with them multiple times and wrote out numerous checks.
I had no idea how compatible our religious beliefs were, whether we agreed on having kids some day, how we dealt with conflict, how good/bad our communication skills were, and the list goes on; what I did know was that I would have a wedding that would be perfection, right down to the pineapples that would line the aisle I walked down.
The more I thought about it the more disgusted I was. With divorce being the only (much frowned upon) way out of this commitment, why is there not more importance put on the 50+ years you may spend together and less importance put on the favors that people will throw away on their way out the door? When you tell people you are getting married how many of them ask you what you are doing to prepare for your marriage? I didn’t have any. I’m not faulting anyone – it is just not deemed as important. So, I started thinking of all the tools that are out there to help prepare us for this huge legally binding (not to mention spiritually binding) commitment we are entering into; it didn’t really give me much comfort. What can really prepare us?
The first thing that came to mind was premarital couples counseling. I think that is a great tool, however, how long do most people go? Perhaps a few one hour sessions to consider it worthy of a completion mark in their wedding notebook? I just can’t help but wonder, are people REALLY delving in and trying to prepare for the things that could REALLY affect their marriage? If premarital counseling was as honest as the counseling that comes when you are on the brink of divorce, I think a lot of people would make a more educated decision before walking down that aisle.
(article continues below photo)
The next thing that came to mind were the numerous ”must reads” for engaged couples. It seems that there are choices to read together, choices to read separately, and some even have ”hard” questions to go over together to make sure you are on the same page. However, honesty again came to mind. I know that I have seen a couple of those books and have never seen the questions like, “what happens when your wife gets super depressed, gains 400 lbs and never wants you to come near her?” or “What happens when your husband can’t seem to stop watching online “entertainment” and it makes you feel so sad and ugly that crying becomes an every day event, but you don’t want to be the nagging wife that stops him from having fun?” I’m talking real life, upsetting, horrific, ugly life questions. I’m going to bet that those are not the usual reads on the pre-marital list. Weddings and marriage are “supposed” to be fun and pretty; those are not fun and pretty subjects.
The last thing I thought of, and I know it is frowned on by many, is living together. I did this, thinking that I would be the most prepared person ever. I played marriage prior to actually getting married. I figured that the counseling, the books, and any other tool that someone could provide would have nothing on me. I was smarter than everyone. How much more prepared could I be then actually playing the role of the happy “wife” and working daily to have the happy “husband”. I was going to outsmart them all. Boy was I shocked when we entered into a union that we were completely unprepared for. When we went from having money to burn (so to speak) and never having a worry in the world; to having the company we worked for go under, take tremendous pay cuts, learn to budget, and cut back on our “fun”, we had no clue how to handle that as a couple. When we went from having nothing to ever fight about up there on cloud 9, to then having daily life, stress and struggles, we had no clue how to communicate our frustrations. We were completely unprepared. Thankfully due to a deep love and a commitment to not let “I Quit” ever be the answer, we are constantly working through our issues, and are so much stronger and happier than I could have ever hoped; it just takes us a lot of rough road to get there.
So, I still have my initial question. Are we ever really prepared? I would love to hear from you to see what you did do, didn’t do, would advise to do, to prepare for this commitment that means SO much more that just walking down a pretty aisle, in a pretty dress, with the perfect invitations that all gets captured by the perfect photographer.
Saturday, January 23, 2010 at 2:47 pm
Great article! My two cents comes from the “maybe not quite so prepared” side of the coin. No, I don’t think anyone is prepared for marriage, in the true sense of the word. It, of course, helps to know that you and your future spouse agree on the big issues, the kind of deal-breaking ones. But really, other than that, I think you learn as you go. On my wedding day, I was 5 months pregnant and walking down the isle to a man I had known for less than a year. Scary? Maybe. Was I scared? Not a bit. Because I knew, without a doubt, that he and I agreed on one thing: we would never give up. I guess I think that if a man and woman agree on that one thing, that they will never quit, no matter how rocky it gets, that they will forever be working for their marriage and doing whatever it takes… then that’s exactly what will happen.
Saturday, January 23, 2010 at 3:02 pm
No one knows till you know. that’s how i think of marriage. we went to pre-marital counseling and we didn’t live together prior to marriage. i think this helped us- but i have nothing to compare it to. I don’t think God wants divorce but He’s always there to try to turn good out of a situation. With that being said, I have a husband with some perspective- one who’s gone down the hard road of a marriage that didn’t pan out… i am SO grateful for this. does he know it all? no. can he re-focus us sometimes due to his prior knowledge? absolutely. in my marriage i am committed to TODAY. Not 10 years from now… what do i mean by that? i love my husband with every fiber of my being and i want to be with him until the day i die. but i won’t make promises for years i can’t imagine… i can work TODAY for TODAY to help assure that tommorrow can be better. i face it as it comes. i learn, he learns. and above all we seek God’s love to help us love one another.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010 at 12:46 am
wow wife what a compliment and comment. i’ve never heard you explain it like that before. makes me feel good to know i’m married to someone with such a healthy perspective.
Good post Tiffany and it got me thinking. While I completely agree that you can only be “so” prepared, I am a big advocate of hard, uncomfortable, honest questions and reflection during the dating and engagement (probably because as Lauren said I’ve seen firsthand how ugly and gutwrenching divorce is). There’s an islamic proverb floating around in a book I read awhile ago that goes “pray to God but tie up your camel.” I love that. For me, God is the core and center and my marriage won’t last or thrive without Him, without that grace and mercy and the guidance of scripture and God’s spirit, but we can tie up our camel (do our part) by being honest and practicing the surrender of control. I’m no expert but it seems like marriage problems so often are about two sides unwilling to budge.
Another great line this post reminded me of was from University Pres’ pastor George Hinman. He said that he tells pre-marriage couples in counseling when they press him for agreeable answers that they’re at their “most unteachable moment.” That’s the biggest problem as you’re getting at is the stubborn insistence of couples to get hitched no matter what.
Saturday, January 23, 2010 at 3:16 pm
What a great article. I wish I could say I have some great advice to give on how to prepare for marriage, but I’m yet another who didn’t do much to prepare. We communicated well before marriage, so we knew each others beliefs, desires, and hopes/plans for the future. We were (and still are, after 7 yrs next month) very compatable and knew that having a successful marriage would take a lot of work and that there would be hard times. But, at the same time, we sort of jumped into marriage because we were so much in love. I don’t necessarily regret it, since I try to not have any regrets. But I understand now that it might have been a good idea to work through some things together, to prepare for our union.
At the same time, I believe no one can ever fully be prepared. It is a learning process. Things happen that you could have never planned for, people change as they age, and there are other things (like parenting) that enter into the marriage that make it even MORE of a day to day learning experience. The most important thing, I think, is for both husband and wife to truly make the decision to try to live their life as a team. To hang in there and not give up, no matter what happens…whether you deal with health issues, depression, “computer entertainment” addiction, financial strain, loss, etc. My husband have struggled with all of these, and more, over our few years of marriage. No marriage is easy and both spouses are bound to fail once in a while. But as long as you both do what you can to make the other one happy, respect each other, and both try to be realistic about the fact that no spouse will ever be perfect, I believe (if you’re compatable) it is possible to have a successful marriage…no matter how “prepared” you were, going into it.
Monday, January 25, 2010 at 3:41 pm
I think I like all of that advice. Stay present, focus on today, promise yourself and each other that you will never quit and love each other through the imperfections, alright cool I think I’m ready to get married now
.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010 at 9:46 pm
Heidi – I read and re-read your reply. It shows what I have always admired about you. You are always calm and collected no matter what life throws your way. It is a quality that I have tried to emulate for years. I have made comments in the past that you and your husband seem to work so well as a team. Apparently when you make the commitment to never give up everything else seems small. Thank you so much for your honest reply, I really enjoyed your perspective.
Lauren – I don’t mean to be an overly dramatic girl; that being said I feel like I could hug you after reading your reply. After walking out of a bible study group last week in tears feeling I had a scarlet “D” on my chest and that God might never forgive me for getting a divorce, your reply was really what I needed to read. I have always felt that due to my horrific experience the first time (as well as my husband’s horrific first experience) I have a perspective that I didn’t have before. There are so many things that just don’t matter and so many other things that seem so much more special and I find that I take less for granted. It was really nice to read it coming from someone else (other than my over active, always self questioning brain). I truly appreciate you taking the time to read and reply to my post.
(PS – Tag…You’re it)
Ian – “Pray to God but tie up your Camel” is nothing short of a perfect way to put such a complex idea. I love it.
I also completely agree with your point that some people just want to get married so they can be married…that is what I did the first time. Every thing possible told me not to…instead I just did. If people were okay to walk away before walking down the isle I’m sure there would be way less agonizing separations years down the road. Thank you more great perspective.
Pamela – I really enjoyed your reply. It sounds like we both jumped into a marriage because the overwhelming love seemed to make everything else seem like a non issue. Preparing for the future included in that. Your honest, insightful reply is really appreciated.
Jasen – If it was only that easy.
But those are definitely some great building blocks.