My Divorce Brought Pain and Pointed Fingers
Hi, I’m Tiffany, and I’ve been divorced.
Every time I say that it feels like a bad introduction at a 12-step meeting. It never gets easier no matter how many people I tell, or how many years pass since it happened. The reason, I believe, is because of the judgement I see plastered across the faces of the majority of the people I tell. Immediately, most people will form an opinion as to the reason why. In fact, I would bet that a majority of you reading this have already formed some opinion as to why this horrific event took place in my life. Without even knowing me, some have probably stopped reading this due to a lack of support for my decision. I am not asking for your support though, my real hope is that there are some reading this that will give me a chance, a chance to explain that not everyone just wakes up one morning and decides to leave their spouse. Not everyone is a statistic.
I try so hard to not get angry about it anymore, I really do. However, the look of judgement on someone’s face, and the flippant remarks like “divorce isn’t a big deal anymore” hurt me to my core. See, to me it was a big deal. It was the biggest deal. It was a horrific decision and it still leaves my heart scarred, yet no one really wants to hear that. No one really wants to hear the story behind the decision. The knowledge that the human body, more over MY body was treated with the sacredness of our big screen TV and was shared with others about as much; this makes the room uncomfortable. The type of uncomfortable that a cleared throat mixed with an awkward laugh might not be enough to ease. The scone and coffee at Starbucks were not bought to discuss the truth. The down deep awful truth is that the ultimatum presented to me involved ending a life (“just step up on the table, it is no big deal” as it was put to me at the time). The fact that it was my inability to go through with it…again…for him- this ultimately ended our marriage. No one wants to hear that story. Judgement comes in a much prettier package and it seems to be the choice most people make.
See, if someone can predetermine a story in their head they can walk away. No more conversation necessary. They can tell themselves that I gave up too easy, that it was a flippant decision that was not thought about. I was just another statistic, adding to the number of people who didn’t take “for better or for worse” seriously. Those judgements can make it a closed deal in their mind. They can move on. Superficial conversation achieved, nothing more than surface level penetrated. It was a sinful act I committed years ago and we can move on. I have tried so hard to just accept this, to play the game, however it always feels like I am left crying on the inside wishing, for a minute, someone would take the time to hear my story.
Did I give up too soon? Perhaps. Did I fight hard enough? Who knows. Did he beat me? No. Did he drink too much? Nope. Did he cheat on me? Not one time.
These questions have not only gone through my head but I have heard them asked a million times. Even if they have not been verbally directed at me. I was not beaten, at least physically. Yet I can assure you that when I raised my white flag and walked away my insides hurt so bad I wished for a black eye. Physical damage would have helped to explain why some days I could barely get out of bed. Or why I felt like I barely knew the person who looked back at me in the mirror. He may have not cheated on me with other women, however the amount of pornography in his life and the cheapness that was applied to any physical relationship in our home left me with no chance to feel valued.
I may never know if I gave up too soon, or if I gave up for the wrong reasons; I do know for a fact that they were my reasons, and no one else was there, and no one else was living my life. I cried; I sought guidance from anyone I could, and in the end I walked away. It was one of the biggest decisions I have ever made.
I tell you my own story in hopes that one day you will listen to someone else’s. I know many people who have been divorced. I do not know one single person who made that decision lightly; no one that went into their marriage with an attitude of “if it does not work I can just get a divorce.” I do know a lot of hurt hearts, a lot of people who have turned to everyone they know in hopes of finding help but who have only received judgement and anger. I know a lot of people who hate telling others that they have been divorced for fear of the look on a judgemental, disapproving face. Is divorce an easy out for some? Yes, to some. But not all. To some it is a very big deal.
Sunday, June 6, 2010 at 6:30 am
Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. You describe one of the hardest things for me in life, especially within Christians hearts — the ability to be so judgemental so quickly and unwilling to hear and deal with the messyness that honesty or the truth can bring.
Whether it’s the looks because someone is divorced or other things in our lives that people quickly judge, I have been striving to listen, hear the truth, and walk with others.
It kinda goes back to the whole college campus thing of passing someone on a side walk and naturally saying, “How are you?” 99% respond, “Good!” without even thinking because we know that the person asking doesn’t really want to hear the truth. “Thanks for asking! Today has been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day and I’m exhausted.” People don’t really want to know that or stop to listen to why – they are just being polite as they pass you by.
Thanks again for sharing your heart and part of your story…
Monday, June 7, 2010 at 1:18 pm
Janice, first off thank you for stopping by and taking a minute to read this part of my story.
You make such a great point in your reply. “How are you?” is no longer about inviting further, honest conversation. It is almost the same as saying “Hi”. Often times I have people say “how are you” and then not even pause for me to get a fake reply out – let alone the truth.
I am guilty of it as well though; often times I don’t feel that I have the time or the resources to hear the real story. But I need to stop. I need to listen. It is so important. And even more important I need to not judge. It is so easy to let my own thoughts and feelings get in the way of someone else’s truth. I just try and remind myself that I was not there, it is not my life.
I SO admire your journey to listen, hear the truth, and walk with others. I think it is something we all should do more of.
Friday, June 11, 2010 at 2:07 pm
I have loved following this thread and hopefully it has brought more hope for continued healing to your wounded heart.
I love what your uncle-in-law John said below: “My addiction did not end my marriage. My recovery did.”
and your reply: “Being weak and immature didn’t end my marriage. Growing up did.”
Both are applicable to others lives in various situations. I know that sometimes when something is toxic in my life (a friendship, lifestyle, habit) and I try to change it or move away from it, others form quick opinions. It’s almost as if society is so used to people settling for less than the best life they could lead, and therefore if they strive for better is seems odd and worth noting.
I know for me, that there are areas that I have tried to improve in, and it has brought rejection or odd reactions from others — which in turn caused me to wonder why my healing or getting ‘better’ is wrong…which it is not.
This thread has encouraged me (again) to keep pressing on, even when boldly making changes and selfishly taking care of myself so that I will be whole again.
Sunday, June 6, 2010 at 11:23 am
Tiffany, if there is one thing that time awards you, I hope its forgiveness. Forgiveness for yourself, first and foremost. Forgiveness for your ex-husband and his mistakes. And forgiveness of those who don’t know, or don’t care to know, the whole story.
I am not a Christian, but one of the things I do admire most about Jesus’ philosophy is to accept and give forgiveness. I know its easier said (written) than done, but that’s an ingredient of all our lives as human beings — talk is cheap. It’s action that is so, so hard to take.
Monday, June 7, 2010 at 1:22 pm
Brian you bring up such a great point. Before I wrote this I thought for sure I had not only dealt with the ick but forgiven everyone (myself included) that played a part in that time in my life.
As I was writing it, it felt like only yesterday that these events happened. My heart, my gut, my feelings – they all hurt really bad. I realized that I still have some hard work to do.
Your kind words are very appreciated. Thank you.
Monday, June 7, 2010 at 9:41 am
I think you are right about the fact that the people embarking on the path to divorce do not take it lightly. I think most people make big and important decisions with a lot of thought, discussion and gut-checking before they commit to a decision.
Your article struck a chord with me, because I know of two couples this week that have announced to me they are looking at a divorce. These are not “kids” – they are all good people that respect their spouses, don’t cheat, don’t lie, don’t physically harm each other, have been married for years and yet, they are at the end of the road when it comes to their relationships.
I don’t want to see these people divorce. In my view, they have more of a life together than apart, but that’s not my call, nor should it be. Clearly, there are many things that I’m not privy to, that brought them to this point. I respect that.
I agree that friends are important to help get people through divorce…however… I think friends can also do more damage by involving themselves in complicated, in-depth divorce issues. A shoulder to cry on is important, but it is no substitute for real therapy. Also, confiding in kids should be against the law, they should not be confidants or divorce advisers for parents – period.
I view marriage as a legal pact between spouses – the relationship is separate from the legal marriage. I’m not sentimental about legal contracts. I am sentimental about the emotional connection and importance of relationships between people.
In some cases, it is better if two people are not together at all. I’m not about to lie to a friend about how important it is to keep up a sham marriage in order to honor a legal contract.
Divorce is sad, heart-wrenching and awful, but I trust people know that. I also trust that people know what is right for them personally – and I wouldn’t question that.
Very Interesting article and very heartfelt. I hope you have a good “chapter 2″ after going through your divorce.
Monday, June 7, 2010 at 1:27 pm
Kris you have such a great perspective. I only wish I had known you about 6 years ago.
Your thoughts and wisdom would have done me a world of good.
I also could not agree with you more in the fact that children should NEVER be forced to be counselor to either parent. That is not their job. Having seen that side of it as well it is not something that I would ever put another child through. However that topic is another blog post in and of itself.
Thank you so much for reading part 1 of my journey. And, yes, part two is going MUCH better.
Monday, June 7, 2010 at 9:55 am
Feef- it goes without saying just how much I love the person you’ve grown up to be.
It’s far more simple to point the finger at someone else than to look within ourselves first… (a flaw that most of modern society needs to examine…)
Well done at examining the inside and outside of your story. If it’s one thing I’ve learned in this life- is that it is far too short to spend with people who make you miserable- and aren’t willing to change.
You have been rewarded for you patience and kind heart- and rightly so.
Love ya girl! xoox Di
Monday, June 7, 2010 at 1:29 pm
I guess I have come a long way since our first Leavenworth trip together about 10 years ago.
Thank you so much! I look forward to your comments as they are always packed with little tidbits of wisdom that I take with me.
XOXO!
Monday, June 7, 2010 at 2:10 pm
Divorce is a bitter-sweet combination of humiliation and freedom…at least for me. The breakup of a marriage, a family, is always painful…even if it is done for all of the “right” reasons. I often wonder if I will ever heal from the pain it has caused me and my children.
Thank you for your post!
Monday, June 7, 2010 at 2:36 pm
CJ, thank you so very much for stopping by and taking the time to read and comment.
You are SO right. I could not have described it better myself, ever. That sentence is how I felt for MONTHS. Humiliation and freedom. WOW.
I truly hope that you and your children will find healing. “Right” reasons or not there is no experience quite like it.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010 at 2:12 pm
I don’t know if it’s just because I tend to read stuff I identify with, but I really appreciate this post Tiffany. I’ve been learning (or un-learning) over the past decade how to see people not as a facade, but as a story, a work in progress just like me, without judging their decisions. Maybe this is just normal life experience and the wisdom that comes with age. If you hung around older people maybe you wouldn’t feel so much judgment.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010 at 2:58 pm
Greg, thank you so much for reading and taking the time to comment. I love how you explained people as a story or a work in progress. I guess, if I think about it, that is how I try and view people as well. However I find myself slipping a lot. This post was as much for me as others. Reminding myself that my story goes deeper than the surface reminds me to have compassion for others. Thank you again for stopping by.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010 at 7:07 am
Tiffany, thank you for sharing this. You’re so right! Especially when people around our age say they are divorced, I think people are so quick to judge. I’m sorry that you’ve been through all of that, but I’m so glad that you have the wisdom and the strength to not only “dissect” the situation for yourself, but to share it with other people. Thank you for that!
Wednesday, June 9, 2010 at 9:54 am
Kate! I’m SO happy you stopped by and read my post.
Thank you for taking the time to comment.
You are so correct; I believe our age group is more judgmental because the thought is “you have ALREADY been divorced”. Perhaps if I was in my 40′s or 50′s I would not get such a sideways glance. I believe that the assumptions FLY when people hear that at 23 I had one marriage, tried and failed. They believe that I was just some punk kid that just screwed it all up. And they are partially correct. I was a punk kid, I thought I knew everything, and when I walked down that isle knowing I should RUN FOR THE DOOR, I didn’t. It has taken me years to actually sift through all the rubble, and some days I find myself still sifting.
Thanks for such a great point. I had never really thought about the age thing before.
I hope you stop by again!
I keep meaning to stop by your blog – I know you have another informative post up!
Wednesday, June 9, 2010 at 9:29 am
It’s hard to use the phrase “I’m proud of you” between friends without sounding all parental and yet still- I’m proud of you for taking a risk on being this raw and open about your past. I’m not sure I have anything new to add after so many great comments from readers, but reading all of this reminds me that we get friendly with people (me and you in this case) and think it’s well enough. I am guilty of not investing in friendships in the same way I hope to be invested in. Maybe we all can do dinner sometime- Lauren and I would like to hear more of your life’s story.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010 at 10:24 am
Thank you so much Ian. I am glad that being this raw and honest panned out for me. I was really scared.
I do agree and am as guilty as the next guy of not investing nearly as much as I want to be invested in. I am trying so hard to learn people’s stories; however I always worry that I will come across nosy. Yet when people press me for my story I never feel that they are being nosy in the slightest. I don’t know where my fear comes from. However, I agree that it needs to change.
We would love to do dinner. There is much for me to learn about you and Lauren’s stories as well.
Thursday, June 10, 2010 at 12:28 pm
Tiffany,
I never really knew what happened with your first marraige and I am really touched by your story. I can clearly relate to some specific points in your story, although from a somewhat different perspective. Having gone through my own separation, then divorce 5-6 years ago, I know how painful it can be. I can definitely relate to your comments about the on-going pain and heartbreak.
Throughout my marraige, I was quick to point the finger at my spouse, who did definitely have (and continues to have) a multitude of issues, none of which I will discuss here. However, as my marraige really hit a crisis point, it pushed me into a 12-step program to deal with my own issues. I won’t discuss the particulars of my own addiction here because this is a public forum and because, quick frankly, it’s not really that important. All addictions are just a way to deal with the pain from larger underlying issues that have not been fully dealt with.
Going through the 12 steps, especially the “thorough & fearless moral inventory” 4th step, really made me realize my own faults (and strengths) in my marraige and life. After that, I gained a lot of empathy and perspective for others, including my now-ex, and also for myself. I made amends to her, to others, and to myself for the various pain and harm I had done (9th step).
Unfortunately, my now-ex started a recovery process for her own issues, but quit before she really got started. I hung on as long as I could, but it became very clear that my marriage would never work out without BOTH of us making an effort to each work on our OWN issues, which she was obviously not going to do. So, I made the hard choice to end my marraige. Painful, extremely; necessary, definetely.
Since then, I too have been judged by many, although my family and most of my close friends know what I went through and are supportive of me. One friend was not, quoting scriptures about how much “God hates divorce”, etc. (I believe she is in a disfunctional marraige herself and is only staying in it out of a sense of “honor and duty”, which in my opinion is a terrible reason to stay in a relationship).
All I can say in closing, Tiffany, is that I do not believe that one person can make a marraige work. From what you have said, it sounds like your ex was a sex addict and if he was not willing or able to confront his own issues and work a recovery program, you would have been trapped in a loveless marraige, resenting both him and yourself. I can’t really say that I know you well, but it seems like you have dealt with a lot of your own issues, which I do know something about, having been around you and your family since your birth. It sounds like your current marraige is much healthier, so you must have learned something. The last thing I will leave you with is the realization I had after my divorce: My addiction did not end my marraige, my recovery did. It helped me to respect myself enough NOT to stay in a cycle of abuse and disfunction.
Stay well, your “uncle-in-law”, John.
Friday, June 11, 2010 at 12:26 pm
John, thank you so much for taking the time to read my story and for leaving such a heart felt comment. I never really knew the particulars of your marriage, nor the reason for its end. Your comment “My addiction did not end my marriage. My recovery did.” is such a powerful, thought provoking statement.
I have thought a lot recently about who I am now vs. who I was then. Aside from it making me sick, it also shows me how much who I am now could have never survived in that environment. He wanted who I was at 19. I was scared, insecure, unstable and desperately seeking love and stability anywhere I could find it. At 22 when I started to grow up and ask questions things got shakey.
Being weak and immature didn’t end my marriage. Growing up did.
Thank you so much for sharing a part of your story John!
Love ya Uncle in Law John!!
Thursday, June 10, 2010 at 9:23 pm
Hi Tiffany!
I love you dearly, and I’m really really sorry for the pain you went through during that time of your life. I know you just wanted to be loved and cherished, and to be treated the way you were is painful just to read about, so I can’t even imagine what it was like to live through. But don’t let that brief part of your life define you, as you are so much more than that. Congratulations on doing what you had to do to escape from that and move on. The good news is you have escaped, and you are not that person anymore.
When I read your first line: “Hi, I’m Tiffany, and I’ve been divorced” I literally had to stop and think about it for a moment, as it’s no longer part of my conscienceless of who you are. I see you as a beautiful, kind, and loving individule, and the fact that you were married once before is such a non issue.
My admonition to you: The past is dead and gone. Stop judging yourself. Take off that fanny pack and throw it away!
Love ya Tiff!
Friday, June 11, 2010 at 12:33 pm
Jordy, your perspective and love have gotten me through so many low points in my life. I was just telling Dave the other day about the phone call I made 12 years ago to a number I memorized when I was 5; how an uncle met me on the other end and showed me nothing but love and support.
Thank you (and Barb) so much for getting me started on this journey and loving me through it.
It is so comforting to know that my past ick is not a common thought in your head. I always fear that it is a huge Burger King Crown of sorts that I wear everywhere and it is the first thing that people think of when I walk in the room. Like a cape of failure. Thank you for sharing that this is for sure not the case.
Guess it is time to throw away the red fanny pack, dust off my knees and realize that since no one else remembers and I am the only one left beating myself up about it, I probably need to just let it go.
Love you uncle Jordy!!
Friday, June 11, 2010 at 11:06 am
Tiffany,
I appreciate your honesty so much and I believe it will help you continue on your journey of healing. You were a victim of another person’s sin and depravity. You chose to marry him but you did not choose to live a life of being a garbage can for the consequences of another person’s horrible choices. I am so glad that you did not allow that for yourself any longer than you did! That is never in the will of God, I don’t care what anyone says about divorce!
I was a victim of abuse as a child. I was physically, sexually and emotionally abused by those who I thought were there to protect me. As an adult, I have had the privilege of knowing a God who has made it clear to me that He NEVER wants me to accept abuse in my life again, from anyone! He values me more than anything and He wants me to value myself enough to say “no” to any abuse at all! When I was able to make this a real part of my heart and mind, it seemed natural to assimilate this in my life. It’s so much easier to love people when I’m not afraid of what they may do to me. It is within MY scope of boundaries to protect myself from anyone who does not have my well being in mind.
But having said that, I also know that God has used the abuse I experienced to make me into the person I am today. I have more empathy than I would have had, for those who are suffering at the hands of another.
Healing is indeed a journey, but I think it’s one with an ending, thanks to the grace of God. Tiffany, I hope and pray that you will be able to travel that road to it’s end.
When all is said and done, the only opinion that really counts is Gods’!
Friday, June 11, 2010 at 12:51 pm
Barb, thank you so much for sharing a part of your story here. Things that I never knew, but explain how you ended up being the strong amazing woman that you are.
There were so many things that you shared that made me sit back in my seat, however there were a couple that stood out more than the rest.
“It’s so much easier to love people when I’m not afraid of what they may do to me.” This is the truest statement. It took me years, however, to realize that Dave was not my ex. He was not going to do anything similar and it was okay to love him fully. He was patient though and accepted me right where I was. Now, I know, I know that he will not hurt me, at least intentionally, and that my pain and loss is his as well. Respect is something that is a constant in our marriage – and I finally understand what it means to be a part of a team.
“Healing is indeed a journey, but I think it’s one with an ending, thanks to the grace of God.” This line gives me great hope! See, I thought I had worked through all of this ick. I thought it was just a crappy part of my past, until I sat down at a computer to write this post. It almost felt like I was getting sick. It appears that I never really dealt with it…that I just set it on a shelf in the “get to later” pile. I have now pulled it off the shelf and can not wait to see it through to the end. Not to dwell on it forever, or to try and re-hash it a million times and analyze it a million ways until I get lost in a sea of self pity…but to deal with it, give it to God and truly move on.
Thank you so much for reading my story and sharing yours, and the wisdom you have gained through your journey. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it. Love you Barb!