Abortion and My Journey Back to Grace
A generic medical waiting room. Photo Credit: flickr/Julep67. Usage does not represent endorsement by the photographer.
I’m going to share a secret with you. A secret that I have carried around for something like 13 years. I have alluded to it here and shared with you some of my pain regarding it here. However I have never come right out and told you one of my most shameful secrets.
I have terminated pregnancies. I have ended lives. I have made the poorest of choices.
I have walked past protesters, I have begged God for another way, I have sat in shame in a clinic all by myself.
I have felt life leaving my body. I have sat in agony both emotionally and physically. I have prayed that somehow it would stop. That something would happen and I would leave with a baby still inside my body.
I have left clinics alone and empty. I have tried to hide a tear-stained face. I have experienced the fear that comes with knowing, in your core, that God no longer loves you and that if anyone else knew the real truth they would no longer love you either.
I have tried to take a stand. I have attempted to say “no.” I have had my voice silenced and have ended up back in a shameful clinic, alone, believing that even God had left me. The protesters outside said as much. They said I was a murderer. The sticker on their car asked “What If Your Mom Had Aborted You?”
I know what it feels like to have your mom tell you that if she had to do it over again she would have aborted you. I know what it feels like to have that haunt your thoughts. I know what it feels like to be terrified that you might posses the same ability to say something so terrible. I know what it feels like to believe that you are not fit.
I know this subject brings up anger. I know me telling you this might just make you feel differently about me. You may no longer want to be my friend or read my posts. You might not want to associate with me anymore. I understand. I might not want to either if I were reading this story from the outside.
However, I am sharing this with you because, though it terrifies me, I can no longer carry this alone. My need for truth in this area of my life is now greater than my fear of your rejection.
I am not going to share with you every story that surrounded my decisions. I don’t want you to mistake my story for some sort of attempt at justification. There is none. I know that. There was always another choice, but I made the wrong one more than once.
I have picketed abortion clinics from the time I was a little girl. I have worn the mini feet pins and chastised anyone that even mentioned the word “abortion.” I can recite to you the protester’s favorite Bible verses because I knew them, and I have used them to judge girls like me. I was well informed that my choice secured me a seat in Hell. There was no coming back.
If the knowledge that I have been punished calms any anger; I have. There have been consequence to my actions, and I can tell you those consequences have been rough.
The shame, the guilt, the sadness; they haunt me daily. The loneliness and the emptiness are often too much. In my heart I believe the two horrible miscarriages I have had have been because of my poor choices. With the current length of time it has taken me to try and conceive I am terrified that God has taken away my ability to have babies. ”You had your chance” haunts my nightmares. I want to be a mom so deeply, and I worry that the ultimate punishment for my actions is to be told “no.”
Maybe you still judge me. Maybe you still hate me. I understand. I often judge and hate myself. However, I can’t go back. I can’t change my past. I desperately want to, but I can’t. At this point I’ll have to settle with trying to heal from it.
Some of you might not believe I deserve healing. I understand. I didn’t believe it myself for a very long time. I don’t know that I fully believe it now.
However, I recently attended an abortion recovery group. It was terrifying. To go from never talking about it to being in a room of roughly 40 girls was overwhelming in ways I can’t describe. Yet, one thing I gleaned from this group was that God loves me. Still. Even though. No matter what.
My sin was apparently not enough to push him away forever. I guess He forgave me the first time I asked for it. The millionth time I asked was just for me. He had long forgotten. He is gracious. His grace is for me. Even though.
I committed, in my opinion, one of the ultimate sins, and He has forgiven me. I guess the next step is forgiving myself. I’m not as gracious as God and I certainly do not forgive as easily. This will take some time. This road will be rough and long. Yet I believe it to be possible. For the first time in 13 years I have hope.
I normally ask a question at this point, something to help get the conversation started. This time, though, I’d really like to hear from all sides. Maybe you’ve walked down this road. I’d love to hear your story. Perhaps you’ve found a way to offer forgiveness to yourself. I desperately want to know how. Possibly you are struggling, like me, to actually forgive yourself. Tell me about your journey. Maybe you’ve found your way back to grace a completely different way. I’d love to hear how. Maybe you judge me. I can accept that. Maybe my choices make you angry. It is okay to let me know that.
I know this is a loaded topic. I know people feel VERY strongly about it. So, lets talk. Let’s be respectful, but let’s get it all out.
Author’s note: For most this is a heartbreaking topic. I know. However, please don’t let your fear of others seeing your story stop you from telling it. Please remember you can always comment anonymously – or you can always contact me directly. I desperately want this to be a safe place. I want us to heal together.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011 at 8:57 pm
Tiffany, I admire your courage and poignancy in writing this post, and sharing it with us. May God be with you, with grace and peace, as you continue in this new journey of healing – Ben
Thursday, April 7, 2011 at 12:08 pm
Thank you, Ben.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011 at 9:24 pm
Thank you for the courage to share your story. I pray that you find there are no limits to God’s grace and mercy, and that others are brought to a point of healing through your willingness to share.
Thursday, April 7, 2011 at 12:14 pm
Tyler thank you so much. And, yes, at almost 32 years old I am finally starting to realize that God’s grace and mercy are not conditional, or limited to those who are perfect. It has been a hard lesson but my hope is that if I share my story, and my journey that maybe others will, as you stated, be brought to a point of healing.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011 at 9:57 pm
Tiffany, the act of sharing your pain with others is a step in the healing process from any wrong committed. You are courageous and I pray that the God of grace will show you his incomprehensible love for you. He is your loving father who always invites the prodigals home. You are home. You are safe with him. He keeps no records of wrongs. And… it gets better. For on the last day, those babies will be with you in the resurrection!!!! And, not only will they forgive you on that day, but I believe that they will call you mom.
A raw yet wonderful article.
Thursday, April 7, 2011 at 12:20 pm
Kurt your comment made me cry. But in a good way. I long for the day that I get to see my babies again; the thought of them calling me “mom” is more then I could have ever hoped for. Thank you for that. Thank you for reminding me of God’s “incomprehensible love” for me. And, finally, thank you for reminding me that I am home. He has welcomed me back.
Your entire comment meant so much to me.
Thursday, April 7, 2011 at 3:04 pm
You are welcome. Peace be with you my friend.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011 at 10:04 pm
Thank you for your honest sharing Tiffany. I’m an Episcopal priest, and I hope this prayer is of some comfort to you.
Merciful God, hear my cry to you. Relieve the sorrow of my heart. I regret my decision to end my pregnancy. Yet you are a merciful God, slow to anger, abounding in steadfast love and quick to forgive the penitent. Of your lovingkindness, forgive me. Heal my broken heart. Bring me the joy of your saving help again, and renew a right spirit within me, for the sake of your Son, Jesus Christ. Amen.
Thursday, April 7, 2011 at 12:20 pm
David that prayer is beautiful. Thank you.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011 at 10:04 pm
I don’t think anyone should ever have to carry the burden you have. Your post brings up a lot of feelings of anguish I felt, and still feel, for my mom who still carries intense guilt for an abortion that occurred 40 years ago. I hope you are able to forgive yourself, for what it’s worth, I think you deserve it.
Thursday, April 7, 2011 at 12:23 pm
AD it breaks my heart to hear that your mom has carried around this guilt for 40 years. I know the guilt. Sometimes it is almost overwhelming. My prayer is that someday she will be able to forgive herself. I know how hard it is to actually accomplish this, however, there is love and help and hope out there for her. I hope she can find it.
Thank you for your comment, AD.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011 at 11:01 pm
Thanks for sharing this- and I’m really sorry to hear about your miscarriages, and I wish you the best in your healing.
You said that you weren’t going to mention what drove you to those choices, in case that could be seen as justification. But to separate your choices from the context that drove you to them paints un unclear picture. All our choices are driven by circumstances. We dwell on sin, and judgement, and grace. But to leave aside the simple truths of who we were, why our thoughts drove us to actions we regret, is a missed oppurtunity to get to clarity and truth about ourselves. And to get better.
For example; Was it fear of judgement by christians that drove you this? If so, that is a truth that needs to heard.
I wish you the best.
Thursday, April 7, 2011 at 1:00 pm
JP thank you so much for your comment. I am working hard towards healing.
As far as omitting the stories that lead me to my choices, I see your point. I just really didn’t want people to think I was justifying my actions with excuses. I wanted to make clear that I realize my actions were wrong.
Perhaps I should have included my stories, and it is not that I am unwilling to share them, I just felt like I should let this post be about the bigger picture.
To answer your question, the stories behind my actions seem to boil down to two main themes.
One, I believed, to my core, that I was unfit. I was terrified that I would somehow hurt the lives entrusted to me. The fear was too much. I let that fear lead me down an awful road.
Two, I was with men who believed life didn’t start until you hold a new baby in your arms. I let their anger and beliefs influence me in a very important decision.
I hope that clears things up a little bit, however, if you have any other questions please feel free to ask. I’ve started down this road. There is nothing left to hide.
Thursday, April 7, 2011 at 2:47 am
Wow, what an eloquent and wrenching post. I am so impressed by your openness and the candid account of such an emotional and personal experience. As I was reading this, I couldn’t help but wonder if the man you were involved with has ever felt the deep pain, guilt and unhappiness that you still feel 13 years later? I suppose the messy, unmentionable crimes of passion and conscience rest mainly upon women and always will. It’s sad to me that women seem to face all of the scorn and outrage that religion and politics can muster, while the significant role men play in pregnancy and abortion is always a foot note. Consequently, women that get an abortion not only face that grave decision alone in many cases, but they also get to keep the guilt and shame as a long term companion.
Life is not black and white, it’s varying shades of gray. Having an abortion, loving a person, experiencing happiness and the depths of sorrow are all learning experiences that hopefully evolve our souls. Ultimately, living life is what makes us better, stronger, more compassionate or the opposite of all those things, if one chooses not to learn. My guess is, you have done a lot of learning. You deserve some peace and a permanent break from the guilt.
As you said, you know God has forgiven you and will always love you. I hope you have forgiven yourself too – often times we are our own worst critics. You deserve to move on from that experience and allow life to take you to other lessons and experiences.
Thank you for such a courageous and heartfelt post.
Thursday, April 7, 2011 at 1:09 pm
Kris I can honestly say I have strong doubts that the men in my life share the same guilt and shame that I do. I can’t speak for them, however, based on circumstances it is my belief that I took it much harder.
My first trip down this horrific road left me with $500 and a request to not be bothered with this anymore. He could not accompany me because he had an important meeting. I cried. He got mad. We never spoke again. I went alone. I doubt he ever gave it another thought.
My first husband stated that it was a step on the table and a step off. “Not a big deal”. If I had the baby I would bankrupt and ruin our family. I didn’t think I could live with that. He never understood the months worth of tears. He could not figure out why I was so sad. When I would tell him that the guilt from ending a life was killing me, he would look at me like I had an arm growing out of my head. It seemed to make no sense to him.
You always share so much wisdom in your comments and today is no exception. I am hoping to, someday soon, learn to take a “permanent break from the guilt.”
Thank you Kris. Your words mean so much to me.
Thursday, April 7, 2011 at 5:02 pm
How terribly convenient for these cowardly men to be able to wash their hands and distance themselves from “your” experience and feelings. It seems they expected you to take on the sole responsibility for their significant part in the decision to have an abortion. I have seen so many friends face the same heartwrenching situation and the boys/men in their lives disown responsibility for something they may advocate, but would be too cowardly to face themselves. I think the lack of compassion, understanding and humanity on their part is the more cold blooded crime. It’s almost sociopathic, taking such a casual, distant attitude toward a person they supposedly love or a potential life they create. I don’t understand why there is not more focus on the male role and responsibility in these circumstances.
It appears these two men also brought you difficult life lessons as well. Based on what you said about your mother’s prediction for you in another post, it appears she set you up to find unsupportive relationships. You should be very proud of the fact that you were able to navigate through so many emotional hardships considering key people in your life seemed to have been working against you in the past.
The biggest challenge is to figure out what “normal” is after experiencing abnormal relationships infused with guilt and hostility. I’m glad you have been able to lift the veil of deceit to find a reality of acceptance and love. That’s the hardest thing to do once fear has been ingrained, because it requires a huge leap of faith to overcome what one has accepted for years.
My hat is off to you , not only your compelling post, but for openly fighting the doubt and worry in your mind, while making an incredible personal breakthrough. I wish you nothing but luck moving forward.
Friday, April 8, 2011 at 10:24 pm
BRAVO. I could not agree more with Kris’ disgust for the fathers and the way they treated you, Tiffany, in this situation, especially your ex-husband. What an absolute coward, to be unwilling to welcome a CHILD into your MARRIAGE? This kind of thinking is so anti-life and so anti-God it astounds me.
I also agree that more attention on the male role in all of this is warranted, especially in discussions about abortion within the church. If men, when faced with unplanned pregnancy, would simply behave like men (as God intended them to be) and assume the responsibility and support that women need, how many abortions could be prevented?
Saturday, April 9, 2011 at 5:02 am
Kris! How can we scream this message any louder? Compassion is so much more fulfilling than mere passion. Why are there so few of us that “get” that? I spend so much of my time refilling my friends with God-love — not that I dislike doing it, but that I am saddened that their men didn’t know how or even want to.
Keep preachin’ it sister!
Thursday, April 7, 2011 at 8:23 am
Tears… deep breath… just so darn proud of you right now… really….. you are brave and beautiful and strong and I am HONORED to be your sister in law. One day at a time…..
Thursday, April 7, 2011 at 1:11 pm
Wow. Jamie. Thank you. I’ll admit, I was worried. I was terrified that this truth would change your opinion of me. Perhaps make you not want to be my friend anymore. I guess I have a lot to learn, huh?
Thursday, April 7, 2011 at 8:52 am
Tears roll down my cheeks in utter joy for you tiffany. i can hear the deepest sigh of relief, of release, of new begining in your words. the most painful things that have ever happened to me have led to the most beautiful glimpses of life. Did you make the wrong choice? Yes. Have I made the wrong choices in other ares of life? Hell Yes. But no one can limit God’s grace. It is not our place to guess at who’s sincere and who’s not. Who’s in and who’s out. Who cares. God loves you and you are striving to love back. Today is a new day, my friend.
Thursday, April 7, 2011 at 2:03 pm
“no one can limit God’s grace.” Lauren, thank you. Today is indeed a new day and it feels full of hope. It is amazing what can happen when you start to let go of the shame and the guilt and start to accept that, no matter what, God still loves.
Thank you for being my friend.
Thursday, April 7, 2011 at 8:59 am
I love you Tiff, and admire your honesty. One of my favorite scriptures comes AFTER the famous “for I know the plans I have for you” verse (Jeremiah 29:11). May it bring you comfort!
“Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. 13 And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you, says the LORD, and I will bring you back from your captivity…” (Jeremiah 29:12-14a)
There is hope, there is a future, God is merciful and he loves you! xoxoxo
Thursday, April 7, 2011 at 1:37 pm
“There is hope, there is a future, God is merciful and he loves you!” Nona, thank you. These words mean so much. You have been and continue to be such an amazing friend to me.
Thursday, April 7, 2011 at 9:52 am
My dearest Tiffany. Words cannot describe the amazement I feel, in your bravery and strength in sharing this. I can only try and fathom the fear and overwhelming emotions you must have felt and feel in sharing this! Especially knowing that you are sharing your “shame” with many who have a specific view on abortion.
I want you to know that I love you. You are an amazing, caring, loving woman. I am blessed to know you… I am blessed to pray for you… I am excited to see what God is going to do through you, in you and around you! Now that all is “in the light”, Satan can NO LONGER keep you down…. he can no longer keep you in the dark…
You are amazing. I have been praying for you in your infertility struggle… now I am praying for you in your healing.
With much love my sister.
Thursday, April 7, 2011 at 1:46 pm
Alicia you bring up such a good point and something that, as I have been sharing on this topic lately, I have really come to realize. Satan can no longer keep me down about this. It is in the light. All the fears that I have carried with me for so many years were all lies. The fears that I would be alone, that no one would love me, that my truth would ruin everything…all lies.
The peace that comes from getting this out in the open and knowing that Satan is a liar is indescribable.
I’m not alone. In fact, I’m surrounded by more love than I can ever remember. I hope that this fact helps inspire other girls to get this out. To stop living the lie that Satan wants them to. To hide this shame and let it eat away at them. The truth really does set you free. Even if you are telling a horrible truth.
I am so blessed to have you in my life. I am so blessed to have you praying for me. Your story gives me hope. Thank you so much.
Thursday, April 7, 2011 at 10:51 am
Tiffany, thank you for your courage and honesty in writing this. I cannot begin to imagine how challenging it was to come to the place that you are now, but you’re here at this place. That is a good thing. You’re clearly learning that God’s grace is sufficient for you.
I recently was talking with someone else in this position and she found healing in naming her unborn children. I hadn’t thought of that before, but when she said it, it just made sense. She had said it brought much peace to her in her journey of healing and forgiving herself.
Thank you again for your vulnerability. I pray for peace that passes every understanding for you.
Thursday, April 7, 2011 at 3:04 pm
Thank you so much for sharing this Kate – I actually had someone recommend a book after my last post that suggests doing just that. Naming your babies. It is a great idea. It is, however, one I’m terrified to actually do. I hope to be able to work in that direction soon. I’m just so worried that it will make it hurt more. Yet, maybe you have to hurt more to find healing which, in the end makes it hurt less. I guess this is all a learning process.
Thank you so much for your prayers and for your uplifting words.
Thursday, April 7, 2011 at 10:59 am
Tiffany, you are so strong to share such a personal issue and I admire you for that! Everyone makes mistakes and they are all the same in God’s eyes! I have been praying for you as you struggle with infertility and now I will pray that you will find healing for the mistakes made in the past as well. <3
Thursday, April 7, 2011 at 3:04 pm
Rita you are a great friend. Thank you so much for your prayers. I am blessed to have you in my life – even if, for now, it is only over the internet.
Thursday, April 7, 2011 at 11:25 am
Tiffany,
What you have just shared took an incredible amount of courage, you are an amazing person. I too pray you and the struggles you are currently facing. God has forgiven you my lady and you are on the right path toward the healing within yourself. I love you friend….you are an inspiration. Xoxoxoxo
Thursday, April 7, 2011 at 3:15 pm
Robs. Twenty some odd years of friendship. Right? I don’t know what I’d do without it. You are awesome. Thank you. I love you too friend and appreciate your kinds words and prayers more than you know.
Thursday, April 7, 2011 at 1:57 pm
I love you!! What a courageous woman you are! I am so proud of you, for sharing your heart, for your love of truth and light. I have NO doubt this post will give comfort and bring change where they are needed. Gods grace is often hard to understand from our perspective. There have been times in my life where i didn’t feel worthy of being guilt-free, of actually being unconditionally happy. I’m SO thankful that god doesn’t work like that! He wants these things for you, to heal, to be truly happy, with no guilt. Just bathe in that: god loves you more than anything, and his hearts desire is for you to have a contented heart. No matter what. Even though. He’s big enough and good enough for that.
But those who hope in the lord will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
They will walk and not be faint.
Thursday, April 7, 2011 at 3:28 pm
Heidi I love you so much. Do you want to know something funny? Two Fridays ago I sat in Lauren’s chair. She was coloring my hair. I was listing off the million reasons why I was thinking of chickening out of this post. I’ll spare you the other 999thousand…but one was “what if Heidi does not want to go to coffee with me anymore”? I underestimated your love. I underestimated our friendship. Satan does crazy things to a brain filled with 13 years of shame. My mom once told me that one day all my friends and family would leave me. I figured this would be the time.
Thank you for proving that wrong. Thank you for sharing with me a beautiful story of how you found grace, and how, I too, could find grace. Thank you for assuring me that my babies were being cared for and loved by moms that were taken too soon. Our conversation two Saturdays ago has given me, and will continue to give me, so much peace.
I am blessed and you are right. God IS big enough, and good enough.
Thursday, April 7, 2011 at 4:53 pm
Hi Tiffany, This is my first visit to your blog. I followed a link that one of my FB friends posted. This is an amazingly powerful post and I wanted to share my story with you … maybe it will help.
I will be 50 next month and will have been married 24 years to the same man in August. In early 1987, as we were planning our wedding, I discovered I was pregnant. From the very moment my cycle was late, I knew I could not have a baby at that time. I was a very angry young woman and I was terrified of becoming a parent. My then fiancee accompanied me on our terrible mission. There was a half-hearted protester standing at some distance from the clinic with some hand outs. We ignored him. Afterwards I felt empty, lost and bereft. I grieved for what felt like a long long time and I still do. But I never felt guilty … that would come later. It was the right decision at the time.
Two years went by and we bought a house. We made friends in our new neighborhood. One of them was a pastor and his family. Through this friendship we turned our lives to Jesus. I initially prayed “the prayer” and understood that grace washed away whatever wrongs I had done. But as time went on and we understood more, I came to realize that most Christians would consider that abortion to be murder. It was spoken of in different terms than other sins. I came to understand that I needed to keep this a secret and that it was something to be ashamed of. I also came to understand (perhaps misguidedly) that I was still not cleansed of this particular sin. So on top of the continuing grief (which I was dealing with) I now carried a crippling guilt.
In the early 1990’s my husband and I began to be ready to have a family. I had undergone counseling and resolved some of the anger issues which had plagued me, so I was no longer worried about abusing or harming my children. In late 1992 we discovered that I was pregnant and we were very glad, but it was short-lived as I mis-carried at 9 and a half weeks on Valentine’s Day of 1993. I was absolutely certain and terrified that the miscarriage was a judgement on me for the abortion. Fortunately a dear friend gave me a little book called, “I’ll Hold You In Heaven,” by Jack Hayford. It is specifically written for women who have lost babies to miscarriage, abortion and still birth.
What I’ve learned from that book and since then is that God’s grace is enormous … beyond anything we can imagine. The grief was real. The guilt that I felt was all externally imposed by others and by me. Judgement was done away with on the cross. God does not sit removed from us handing out favor to some, and punishment to others like a spiteful father (even though on our dark days, with our secret addled brains, it feels that way). He is “with” us during our darkest moments and during our best moments; even knowing that we will make those wretched decisions He is holding us up and carrying us right through. We know this because that is His promise throughout all of scripture. He does not withdraw at some times and hang out at others; that is our human ideation of Him. He is with you in your grief over your lost babies and with you in your grief over the babies you are striving for.
You are such a courageous lady for posting about this. My guess is that you will find some friendships are strengthened and others become a little bit distant. You will not be ostracized, but I think you will make some new friends who sidle up to you and whisper, “Me too.” The number of women who have had one or more abortions within and without the church is astonishing. I wish that the language and emotions surrounding this could be more nuanced, more open and more loving so that our mothers, our sisters and our daughters had a soft place to land. Many blessings to you.
Friday, April 8, 2011 at 2:18 pm
Sonja thank you. I related so much to your story. I have felt some of the same exact things. But, you are right. Judgement was done away with on the cross. I need to remember that every day.
The reason, the EXACT reason I wanted to share this story was so that girls would, as you so eloquently put it, have a soft place to land. No one talks about this. The church sometimes seems unwilling to tackle this level of “ugly” except to say “it is sinning and you will go to Hell”. I want girls to be free. Free to share their story and free to let go of the shame. There is repentance, which I believe is necessary, and then there is just plane guilt and shame, which I believe need to go away. No one deserves to live with that. Ever.
Sonja thank you so much for having the courage to share your story here. I took so much from it and I know others will as well.
Thursday, April 7, 2011 at 6:06 pm
Mine was about 25 years ago. You can read my story here: http://lauriemo.blogspot.com/2010/01/in-which-i-speak-frankly-about-abortion.html
Monday, April 11, 2011 at 2:22 pm
Laurie thank you so much for sharing your story. Wow. I cried when I read it because I remember those emotions. I remember those questions. And, your depiction of the experience itself brought up so many memories.
It breaks my heart to think back to that time. I remember the people inside the clinic made me feel safe, and the people outside the clinic made me feel hated and shamed. Something about that needs to change.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011 at 6:23 pm
Well, back when I had mine there were no protests. I don’t think the movement had built up that much steam yet. I just knew not to tell any Christians. I don’t know how I would have handled the situation if I’d had to walk through a line of protestors. I honestly can’t say….The shame may have stopped me, though I doubt it, or it may just have added to the trauma, as it did to yours.
What I really needed was to be loved and accepted and helped. If someone had welcomed me and surrounded me and told me I and my child were welcome and that they would protect and care for me through it all, regardless of what I had done. If I had known of such a person or place I could turn to, a shame-free place, I would have kept the baby.
Thursday, April 7, 2011 at 6:20 pm
I do not know you.
But I know this: I still love you. God still loves you. Even though you made a bad decision (or two), you are not unforgivable. You are *ALREADY* forgiven.
I am a Christian. I wish abortion never happened. But I know that women are often faced with seemingly no other choice. And I want to do my best to let every woman in that position know that I stand with you–no matter what you decide.
I will love you the same no matter if you keep the baby or terminate it. Whether you raise a baby yourself or give it to an adoptive family.
And I am sorry for those who judge. For those who shouted when you were in the midst of a hard, dark place. For those who made you think you were unlovable, unforgivable, or irredeemable.
God loves you. And so do I.
Friday, April 8, 2011 at 2:24 pm
Josh, I have read and re-read this comment. It almost makes me cry each time. I have wanted to hear these exact words for 13 years. I have wanted so bad to have someone tell me that no matter what, I was not unlovable, unforgivable or irredeemable. Thank you so much for this. For this reminder that not only does God love me but I’m not unlovable to other people either. My mistakes do not define who I am.
That is the hardest thing to get past for me. I’m sure I will return to this comment often. It serves as such a great and simple reminder.
I do not know you. However, I know that you are an amazing man with an amazing perspective. Thank you for stopping by Josh S. Thank you for impacting my life.
Thursday, April 7, 2011 at 11:33 pm
Being honest and bringing this to the light is a wonderful first step! The enemy loves to keep us hiding in the shameful darkness. You are forgiven and you are loved. Now besides forgiving yourself you have to try to forgive the guys involved. As long as you have unforgiveness towards them the enemy still has a hold. Free yourself through all ties by grace and forgiveness that is only found in the power of the holy spirit.
Name it and claim it! I know that sounds silly but you must actively claim the victory…daily if you have to. Don’t listed to the shame and guilt of the enemy. Walk in the light(as you have done in this post) and claim your freedom! This will be hard when you actually decide to get pregnant. The devil will tell all sorts of horrible lies…”you don’t deserve kids” “you missed your chance” etc. Continue to claim victory, don’t let the powers of death overwhelm you. Trust that God is gracious and wants nothing more than to renew LIFE in you and bless you!
Be at peace that your little ones are in the arms of God waiting for you when that time comes. But until then continue to walk in the light, forgive, claim victory, rebuke shame & condemnation and be FREE!
By the way I am a preachers daughter who had an abortion 20 years ago. I have been where you are right now. But in doing what I have mentioned above I AM FREE! Now I am married and the mother of a 8 yr old daughter and a 4 yr old son. God is my redeemer and my redeemer LIVES!
Blessings on you!
Monday, April 11, 2011 at 2:24 pm
Cherie thank you so much. Your comment gives me hope and inspiration. God is my redeemer, and my redeemer does indeed live.
Friday, April 8, 2011 at 10:10 pm
Tiffany, I love you. You are, without a doubt, the bravest woman I know. And you are certainly not alone. I have never had an abortion, but I have thought the ugliest, most hateful things about my own children, even wishing them death in my darkest moments. I have never beaten them, but I have responded to them with a level of physical force that frightens me. I have never broken the law in caring for them, but I have lost my patience with them more times than I can count. Jesus makes no distinction between your sins and mine. I have already committed the “ultimate” sins in my heart, and I am equally in need of God’s grace.
And yet by God’s grace, I am, miraculously, a good mom. Amazing how good He is! So let me just echo the love, support and truth that have already been expressed. God’s grace IS enough, you ARE forgiven, and the shame, guilt and fear that continue to plague you are indeed from the enemy.
My prayers continue for you, my dear friend. I love you!
Monday, April 11, 2011 at 3:49 pm
Heather thank you so much for sharing your own story of how God’s grace is needed and present in your life. I am absolutely humbled at your willingness to share your story, here, with me. You are brave and I absolutely love you for that.
Thank you for loving me, even though, and for always reminding me that God loves me too. I don’t know what I would do without you all in my life.
Monday, April 11, 2011 at 8:47 pm
I think I just felt inspired by your courage and honesty in sharing YOUR deepest secrets. To lay yourself bare like that is so radically, beautifully, humble; and something I’ve never even really considered for fear of what others would think. I think I sensed how freeing it was for you and wanted to join in, on a tiny scale.
I have one question for you. The more I read, the more I realize how horribly alone you must have been during this time. Did you confide in anyone during your pregnancies or immediately afterward?
Tuesday, April 12, 2011 at 1:57 pm
Heather, it is SO freeing and I am SO glad that my honesty gave you a safe place to be honest as well. And, I love you just the same, if not more, after hearing your story. Thank you for being honest.
I believe the most freeing part of this whole thing for me is to now be able to know, like really know that people love me. Even the broken, scarred, imperfect me. I no longer have to say in my head “they love me, but what if they knew the truth? Would they still love me then?”. It makes everything feel more genuine.
In answering your question, this secret felt like it imprisoned me. I mostly kept it completely to myself. I did confide in Rosie, and Crystal a little bit, but even though they have always displayed unconditional love after learning what I was going through, I still felt scared that I could push them away with my imperfections. I really kept most of it completely to myself. My first husband really didn’t see much need for emotion because of it, and didn’t want to really talk about it at all.
I remember after him and I terminated the baby that I had requested to keep, a friend of ours hooked up with a girl that he just met, she got pregnant and they kept the baby and decided to start a family and life together. They had no money. Their circumstances were awful. Yet she got to keep her baby.
I remember crying so often. I remember the hurt so vividly. Yet he didn’t want to deal with it, at all. So, the hurt turned to anger. I have never been so angry in my whole life. I yelled and threw things and the whole time was miserable.
I just never really talked much to anyone about it. My fear of rejection took over most of the time and I just kept quiet.
I guess this is why this feels so freeing. For once, I am getting it all out. Part of me does wonder, though, what would have happened if I had not let my fear get the best of me? Would I have spared myself years of hurt? I guess hindsight is always clearer.
However, the lesson for me is to be accepting to everyone. Not to accept all sin, but to genuinely love the sinner. To tell my story and hope that, as it did for you, it inspires people to be honest. To not hold it in. It just isn’t worth it.
Saturday, April 9, 2011 at 5:13 am
You are an amazing woman, Tiffany. You have torn your heart wide open, painted a big fat target on it, and then handed us all darts to throw. I cannot imagine even looking at one of those darts let alone pick one up.
I echo all the others (above) who love you — and those of us who have never met you in person. Love demands that we surround you, support you, and help you become whoever you aspire to be — a New Creation with Him at your side and His Spirit within you. Love demands that we stand in prayer between you and whoever or whatever aims to harm you any further.
You have lifted your darkness into the bleaching Son-light and it no longer has you in its grip. What a courageous and trusting move allowing His redemptive power to create something boldly beautiful from what was hidden, dark, and dirty.
I wish I had the strength to bring some of my own past darknesses into your same light.
Monday, April 11, 2011 at 4:13 pm
Jim thank you. I don’t even know what else to say. This comment means so much to me.
Thank you for helping to surround me with love. I am overwhelmed by all the love I have been shown.
I anticipated thrown darts. I never anticipated this much love.
Saturday, April 9, 2011 at 11:13 pm
T-
Gut-wrenching post.
Conflicting in all sorts of ways. I had an abortion at age 17. There was not an angry mob holding fetus photos. Just a doctor with a lab coat and a handful of faceless nurses. Oh. Yeah. And all those nursing mothers. They’d put me on the maternity floor for my then required 3-day stay.
So yes, I understand the guilt because I, too, was the Christian girl. The good one. Those abortion recovery groups helped heal me. That and mostly coming to really know & trust the character of God. Learning that forgiveness isn’t lofty talk with him — it’s a real gift.
That said, I remain concerned about the practice of abortion as birth control.
I’m concerned not just for the baby aborted but for the mother because I still remember with aching clarity the moment I held my first newborn child and wept because then — in that moment — I had full realization of what I had done.
I knew God had forgiven me — I just wasn’t sure how to go about forgiving myself.
I hope you figure that out, as I have managed to do.
But on a political level we need to figure out how to fix the problem of abortion as birth control for the sake of girls like me and you … and all those unborn children.
Monday, April 11, 2011 at 2:53 pm
Karen I absolutely agree. Knowing the heartache first hand we do need to fight against using abortion as birth control. The effects of this “birth control” last years, and I know that my grief is not over. I’m sure when I hold my first child it will hit me in a whole other way, as you spoke about. I’m terrified. And, while I can’t go back and change a thing, I can hopefully use my story to help someone else that is thinking about walking down this road.
I guess what my real hope is, is that we can balance the fight against this practice while still loving the girls that do end up walking down this road or are considering this path. I think that it is a hard balance but I think that unconditional love changes a lot of things.
Sunday, April 10, 2011 at 8:08 pm
Dear Tiffany,
I am so sorry for the pain and suffering you have gone through over the years! Even though I have never had an abortion, I recognize the emotional pain you feel..it is the hardest pain to heal from. I am thankful that I did not have an abortion because I know my suffering would have been no less than yours,it’s just so hard to imagine.
After reading your post, I find questions popping into my head, so here goes..
Were you given any knowledge of your pregnancies, such as fetal develpment, when you came to the abortion clinic?
If not, do you feel it could have helped you to make a different decision? Do you think clinics have a responsibility to inform patients about what is going on with their particular stage of the pregnancy?
My very limited exposure to anti-abortion protesters, has led me to believe that most of them are loving,respectful Christians, and hopefully wise enough to not “throw the first stone”. I’m sorry this wasn’t the case with you, but if it had been, do you think it would have given you an alternate way out other than abortion? I personally would offer to adopt a child if the mother would carry the baby to term. But I also understand the very real feeling of panic that can cause a woman to succumb to making the wrong choice.
Abortion hurts so many people, least of which are the billions of unborn children. It has a ripple affect. I have known someone close to me who had an abortion years ago, and I will be mourning that for the rest of my life.
I encourage you, when the time is right, to reach out to other women who feel trapped in an unwanted preganancy. I know that helping others avoid the mistakes we’ve made, will help us to heal. I think we all have areas where we can empathizingly give back and in the process heal.
I pray that your journey to healing is complete and that you know that God does not differentiate between sins. It’s all the same to him. I also pray that there will be an end to abortion in my lifetime.
God Bless you!
Monday, April 11, 2011 at 4:10 pm
Barb thank you so much for your comment. I’m going to do my very best to answer your questions, however, if I still leave you with more questions please feel free to ask more. I am absolutely willing to answer anything that you want to know. Transparency is transparency. There is nothing I wont share.
In all honesty I was so ashamed and terrified I don’t remember if I was given any information about fetal development. I do know that they ask you if you want to see your baby on the ultrasound. I do know that I almost thew up. I didn’t look. In my head I was too far in to back out. I knew no other way out at that time. I cried and declined. My heart broke. I knew what my choice meant. I just didn’t know how to stop it.
I have no real idea how my choice would have been affected should the protesters given a message of hope and love. I can say that it would have been welcome. I would have loved to have someone hug me instead of shame me. I’d have taken their love and listened to their message. I’d probably have asked questions. Picked their brain for another way. However, I don’t 100% know. I was so terrified that I would hurt another child the way I was hurt that I remember feeling that I was doing my baby a service. Heaven was better than a life with me any day of the week. No one knew what I was capable of…not even me. It was my biggest fear. I didn’t know how to get rid of that fear. I could not bare to hurt a child that way. I know that is ironic considering my choice. However, in my terrified, confused, ashamed brain it was the lesser of the evils. Now, years later, I can look back and see that my rational was wrong. I can see that I made a HUGE mistake. One I can never take back, and one that I’m working to heal from.
However, when I was with my first husband, I got pregnant. I wanted that baby SO incredibly bad it makes me sick to think about. I felt like I was in as good a place as any to have a baby. I tried so hard to get him to see things my way. He simply would not. His message of our family being ruined broke my heart. I did what I was asked to do and it sent me into a depression I had no idea how to get out of. Had someone crossed my path at that point that offered another way – perhaps help – services that would take the financial burden away – it may have changed things drastically.
So, I guess my round about answer to your question is that I don’t know how my choice would have been effected if I had received support and love from the Christian community. I can tell you how my last 13 years would have been effected. I can tell you that if the message had been about love and support after the fact, instead of shame and guilt, I’d be in a much different place right now.
Which is why I’m sharing my story. I want to reach out to every girl out there that is either thinking in this direction or has gone down this road. I want to share a message of hope and love. If I can spare someone 13 years of shame then it makes it all worth it. It makes those lives mean something more. Even though they were cut way too short, they can still have an impact. I believe that to my core.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011 at 11:08 am
Thank you again for your brave and candid responses! I totally understand where you were emotionally at that time. However, I am happy that they are giving women the choice to see an ultrasound because maybe some women will be able to change their mind after seeing that.
I find it so sadly ironic that Brad said you were “saving” your family, when actually his selfish choice was doing the opposite!
Tiffany, I have no doubt that you will be able to help many women who are in the same situation you were in. You will be so effective in reaching out to them. May God bless you with this!
Love,
Barb
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Monday, April 11, 2011 at 4:58 am
Tiffany, thanks so much for sharing your experience, challenging though it was to do that. I hope it will be an encouragement to other young women in similar circumstances. I am very glad for you that you are convinced of God’s forgiveness and unconditional love. That is -so- important and, sadly, so misunderstood by too many. May God bless you, guide you and help your service to others.
with love,
-Charlie
Monday, April 11, 2011 at 2:45 pm
Charlie it is my hope that my story will somehow reach who it needs to in similar circumstances. It is what gave me the strength to write this post. I want woman to not have to live in shame. I want them to realize that there is love and forgiveness, and I want them to learn that a lot sooner than I did. Because, you are right, God’s forgiveness and unconditional love is, as you put it, “so misunderstood by too many”. And that breaks my heart.
Thank you so much for the comment, Charlie.
Monday, April 11, 2011 at 6:18 am
Tiffany, I was deeply moved by your story. Would you be ok if I used it as part of my worship service/sermon illustration?
Thank you,
Kevin
Monday, April 11, 2011 at 9:27 am
Kevin, thank you. You are more than welcome to use this in any way you would like. Thank you for asking.
Monday, April 11, 2011 at 10:47 am
“Yet, one thing I gleaned from this group was that God loves me. Still. Even though. No matter what.”
Cling to this truth! Grace will not erase the consequences (the pain, the loss of life, etc.), but it will forever bring you into the open arms of a loving God. Praise God for His grace!
Monday, April 11, 2011 at 2:31 pm
“Grace will not erase the consequences (the pain, the loss of life, etc.), but it will forever bring you into the open arms of a loving God.”
Thank you so much Ashley. That is such a beautiful truth. One that I’m learning a lot about.
Monday, April 11, 2011 at 11:03 am
just found you via Sarah’s FB prompt and can’t wait to read more, your honesty is compelling please keep writing.
Monday, April 11, 2011 at 2:24 pm
Thank you Becky.
Monday, April 11, 2011 at 4:52 pm
Tiffany,
Wow, what a huge burden to finally let go of. I’m so happy that you were able to find a group to surrender that secret to. God DOES still love you, he never didn’t love you. And you don’t need the forgiveness of anyone else. Only God has the authority to judge. I’ve always been a huge anti-abortion advocate, for all the reasons you’ve been caring all these years. I only wish more women would talk about it to teens these days. Thank you so much for your courage.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011 at 2:07 pm
Sarah, thank you. “God DOES still love you, he never didn’t love you.” I still need to hear that. I struggle so much with an angry punishing God. I’m getting better. Everyone’s stories has helped me along tremendously. It is just some days. Thank you for the reminder.
I really wish I had the opportunity to talk to more girls considering this as an option. Not to scare them. Just to love them, and to let them know that this is not an “easy out”, in fact, it is quite possibly harder than having the baby. The hurt and sadness are no joke and there are other options. Yet, should they still choose to head down this road, that they are still loved.
Maybe someday I’ll get my chance.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011 at 11:03 pm
Well, i picked a fine day to read your blog for the first time, didn’t i?
(don’t worry it won’t be the last)
Tiffany you are so brave to share this. Thanks for putting words to a topic so many women feel they can’t. Sending you big fat hugs and kisses.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011 at 3:08 pm
Thank you so much for stopping by, and for your kind words, and for the hugs, and kisses…because I always need them, especially now.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011 at 4:11 pm
Tiffany…always remember that everything happens for a reason. Sometmes we don’t know why and we are not meant to. God loves us all, no matter what and everyone who matters loved you before you wrote this and will continue to love you after.
Love,
Paula
Thursday, April 14, 2011 at 12:59 pm
Paula, I love you. Thank you so much. You’ve always been there, never judged, and for that, I love you so much.
Friday, April 15, 2011 at 5:36 am
I’m really proud of this and know the freedom that comes with sharing your story – a continuation of the gospel story.
THank you.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011 at 10:00 am
Amber I’m sorry I missed this comment. Thank you so much for stopping by, reading and for our kind words. They mean so much. I follow your blog so it is really cool to see you over here.
Sunday, April 24, 2011 at 1:51 pm
Lord Jesus, the crucified and risen Savior, God in human flesh, Who die in the place of us sinners said:
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
(Matthew 11:28-30).
Go to Jesus.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011 at 10:03 am
Linda, I have been. More often recently than I ever have in years past. This has been such a lesson for me. Thank you so much for reminding me of his willingness to take my burdens. His willingness to carry my load. I underestimated His love. I’m working on fixing that. Easier said than done with so many years of shame built up in my head, but slowly, Him and I are going to get through this.
Sunday, April 24, 2011 at 4:59 pm
Hi Tiffany,
My fellow Christians have more than expressed the love of God for you in their comments above. All I can add is that I hope you remember daily how much He loves you, that you are already forgiven and can rely on His faithfulness to you in whatever circumstance you find yourself.
What I want to comment on is that regardless of whether abortion is legal or not – women will still face the choice of whether to keep or terminate a pregnancy. I hope that as a community, Christians will be more and more willing to come around the women who are facing tough situations and to offer real and practical help as well as prayer and compassion. This is love – to lay down one’s life for a friend, to give up our own comforts, our own conveniences and help someone else who are in need.
The more we can reach out to the women who need help the more likely they are to keep a pregnancy than terminate it because they feel like they have no other choice. If we want to fight abortion – we must first be willing to love our neighbours as ourselves.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011 at 10:07 am
“If we want to fight abortion – we must first be willing to love our neighbours as ourselves” AMEN Carol. This is SO true, and the message I had hoped people would get from my story. It really all boils down to love. Most of the time. People know the judgement. They are all to familiar with that. They know the verses, they know that God is upset, they know what they are doing. They have heard it all 100 times.
What they are not familiar with is love. We have failed our neighbors in that area and it saddens me so much because I feel that it truly is the most important. Love without conditions. I think amazing things would happen if we started showing that kind of love.
Thank you so much for your comment!
Friday, May 6, 2011 at 4:28 pm
“My sin was apparently not enough to push him away forever. I guess He forgave me the first time I asked for it. The millionth time I asked was just for me. He had long forgotten. He is gracious. His grace is for me. Even though.”
He is a loving God, and the ultimate parent. He forgives, He understands, He doesn’t need explanations. He KNOWS. Your healing starts with exposing the wound you’ve carried in secret to the Light and letting the fresh air and sunshine (metaphorically) cure it of ill. You will always bear a scar, but you will no longer bleed, or fester.
Friday, May 6, 2011 at 4:32 pm
So true Lisa. Thank you so much for your kind words.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011 at 8:04 am
Tiffany –
Bravo. I started to write you a reply, but when it hit 4000 words, I decided I should probably email it to you instead. I’ve never been afraid to talk about my own abortions, but to write it down – to post it for all the world to see… you’re an inspiration, and I’ve decided to post bits of my own story. I may not have the same courage that you did, but I hope one day I will. Here’s one thought from the email I plan to send you that I wanted to share now…
When you walk in that valley, remember that the darkness is only Death’s shadow. The shadow is only cast longer as the light approaches to bring it to ruin. The light of life is coming to your rescue. He longs to take your hand and hold you tenderly against the darkness – the one of your own creation, as well as the one created by the choices you never should have had to face alone. You are not owned by impossibility. You were bought at an impossible price so that you could live into impossibility with promise and life and freedom.
Saturday, October 22, 2011 at 10:32 am
This was one hell of a brave post, Tiffany. “Thank you,” just doesn’t seem to cut it to describe the gratitude I have toward you for sharing yourself so completely.
I’m so interested in this conversation because I’m quietly considering my current position on abortion. I’m a woman, so there’s that. I used to be anti-choice but now am pro-choice though I feel like I always have to add the caveat, “but I’d rather them not be needed at all!” Defenses go up on both sides and it’s actually a very difficult subject to consider deeply before emotions swim in and make you feel like you’re drowning.
So thank you, and thanks to your brave readers, for sharing, for giving me more food for thought.
Thursday, October 27, 2011 at 10:00 pm
Tiffany–What can I say that hasn’t been said so eloquently in the aforementioned supportive posts? I am so touched by your brutal honesty. I am a 50 year old man that has recently surrendered my life to Jesus after 20 plus years in the spiritual desert. During that time I acquired a nasty addiction to alcohol and acted out in some really shameful ways…Your words have touched me to my core and have encouraged me to live transparently ; to get real and begin the process of healing. Someone recently told me it’s the broken that get grace…you exemplify this. Thanks for being a willing instrument of the Creator.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011 at 1:18 am
Tiffany
I know a girl who had an abortion and can appreciate your pain as she recollected hers to me.
May God bless you.
Doug
Saturday, December 31, 2011 at 8:26 pm
Ha! I’m not laughing at you, but at the concept that your heavenly father is trying to “get back at you” by causing you to miscarry. I understand how you make that connection, but TRUST ME – He is not like that!
We all think those thoughts sometimes; it’s nearly impossible not to project onto God our own feelings.
If God did not forgive you, then ALL of the work that Christ did on the cross wasn’t worth shit. And yeah – I mean it THAT seriously.
Forgiving ourselves is quite often just about the toughest thing that we can attempt to do while here on earth.
Now, God isn’t “offended” that you doubt His forgiveness – He understands better than we know. But just remember that it is our selves that keep putting those filthy rags back on.
You are just as valuable to God and to your family in Christ as if you were Mother Teresa. You have not been invalidated. You are not worth less. You are not disqualified from anything.
We “know” that grace is supposed to be “amazing” but how often we think of it as currency to be traded and only worth a set amount. If it isn’t ridiculous, it isn’t grace, my dear.
Give God a chance to spoil His baby-girl recklessly!