Denial or Despair? We’ve Got Heavy Lungs in Search of Holy Air

Photo credit: flickr/lauren.rushing. Usage does not represent endorsement by the photographer.

“The winds are coming,” he shouted with a sense of urgency, a prophetic warning from a pastor not known for making wild predictions about the future. Sitting in the congregation about two and a half years ago, his words made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. Somehow, I knew that he was right. Something devastating (and ultimately miraculous) was about to happen in my life, but I had no idea what that thing was. It hit soon after, and when it did, everything changed.

The winds are coming. Maybe the winds have already arrived. Life, despite our best efforts, cannot be bridled. We will not be able to avoid the pitfalls of loss and deep pain, no matter how careful we are. If we’re not rooted in something greater, denial or despair will find a way to make a home in us, stalling our search for transcendent air.

When Understandable Pain Gets Covered Up

Eugene Peterson defines denial and despair this way:

Denial refuses to acknowledge the catastrophe. It shuts its eyes tight or looks the other way; it manages to act as if everything is going to be just fine; it takes refuge in distractions and lies and fantasies. Despair is paralyzed by the catastrophe and accepts it as the end of the world. It is unwilling to do anything, concluding that life for all intents and purposes is over. Despair listlessly closes its eyes to a world in which all the color has drained out, a world gone dead.”

Does that characterize our nation and our culture? I think so. No one needs to convince you or I that life in America isn’t what it was 15 years ago. Sometimes, we can’t help but feel like the noose is tightening. Constitutionally, economically, ethically, we are a more barren land than we once were. Denial will tell people to “just get over it,” and might suggest a book with the 10 steps to happiness. It will insist that our nation is the greatest on earth, no matter how we conduct ourselves. Jump on public transportation sometime, and you’ll notice that the majority of people avoid eye contact. Their heads are locked in a downward position, staring at portable devices as their thumbs fidget with touch screens. We are distracted, and blissfully so; fed by a never-ending smorgasbord of entertainment options. Is it possible that technology, for all of its benefits, is also one of the easiest and most socially acceptable ways to deny our struggles?

Despair on the other hand will empower legitimate pain until it becomes all-consuming. Despair will lead a person to cry out in terror “That was the last straw! I’m ruined! This nation is finished! My career path was all a waste of time! I married the wrong person!” Culture isn’t helping. It is considered hip when we find self-destructive ways to lick our wounds. We watch celebrities play this out in paparazzi shots on the street corners of Los Angeles. Without ever articulating it in words, despair can lead a person to make a pact with themselves that will see them trying to descend into darkness. You can do it in public, or you can have it in private. Substance abuse, pornography, growing resentment towards our fellow man powered by cable news, tabloids and gossip websites: all are ways of saying, perhaps even carefully and quietly ”everything is slipping away. I might as well enjoy the slide.”

The goal isn’t to “just say no” to nearly everything under the sun (and isn’t that part of what’s most annoying about the big religions?) but rather to say yes to something different, eventually relearning what we choose to do and why.

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Photo Credit: flickr/galaxies and hurricanes. Usage does not represent endorsement by the photographer.

America’s Favorite Myth: We Can Find the Absence of Trouble

What then is the antidote? Maybe it’s getting to a place where we’ll never have to struggle with either denial or despair, a place that is conflict-free. This is the lie of capitalism: tranquility can be purchased, and everyone has a fair shot at earning the necessary funds. Nevermind greed or corruption, and the toll those take on everyone else. Just stay on that hamster wheel. Daniel Plainview articulated his ruthless ambitions in the movie ‘There Will Be Blood’ this way: “there are times when I look at people and I see nothing worth liking. I want to earn enough money that I can get away from everyone.”

We have very serious problems in this country right now, and many would agree that our government is a big portion of the reason why. We may find ways to ignore it through denial, ways to be overcome by it with despair, or we challenge it, certain that we will eventually (like a Hollywood ending) leave it all behind. The problems need to be confronted. So run for political office if you feel inspired to. Teach a class. Sign a petition. Vote. Join a protest. Visit a career counselor. Or write a blog post. But please remember that progress cannot fully liberate us. We will never find a personal plateau, that escape, a place of solitude free from annoyances and the wrong people, or the destination of pure ecstasy if we’re looking forward. We can find something even better if we try looking up.

This means that even if the end of liberalism could be achieved, conservatives would be less satisfied than they expected, and even that would only last for a little while. If the end of conservatism were possible, progressives still wouldn’t find utopia on earth. Peace and justice advocacy, financial security, the right spouse, great art, the best sex, or the most inspiring occupation- none of these will fill us or keep us. Also disqualified from making us whole are religion, church potlucks, theological debates, political discourse, lots of knowledge, a book deal, or a large stage and a bunch of eager fans. We savor and value these things while knowing that they are not enough. We are creatures filled with longings. In a way, the very best of life has failed us time and time again.

Get to the Life Giver, and You’ll Find Abundant Life

Our lungs are heavy with the muck and smoke of the status quo. Our bodies are gasping for that fresh thing, air that surpasses, something more to breathe in. If your lungs are aching for Holy air, don’t settle for the shallow breathing of denial, or take in the fumes of despair, breathe in something entirely different.

My heart breaks when people have the right longings, and are asking the right questions, but are strident in their conviction that Jesus is NOT the answer.  This, I believe, will be the great deception marking the end of history…  There can be no beautiful Kingdom of God, without the beautiful King – Jesus himself.” -Richard Dahlstrom

Reading a book about God is not the same thing as knowing Him. To know God, we must spend time with Him, in the same way that we can’t know anyone without spending time together. I won’t tell you how often that needs to be or exactly the shape that it should take because that’s not for me to decide for you, but I can share a bit of my relationship with God in coming weeks. This isn’t to say I’m a guru and you should follow my lead, nor am I particularly interesting, but I think sometimes we are afraid to get specific about life with God, and instead lean on platitudes like “develop a personal relationship” and “accept God’s grace.” Okay, but what does that actually look like?! It’s frustrating, and I am guilty of penciling in these easy spiritual answers too, including on this blog. Hopefully, what I have to share about my relationship with God will give you a point of reference if you have decided to seek something different. You and God get to build your own thing. That’s the adventure of it all.

What a durable Lord, to allow us to glaze over in denial, and fall apart with despair, and wear ourselves out in the rat race. This patient God watches as we scour and eventually find the exact thing we thought was necessary to becoming a complete person, only to be left wanting more. By sitting back and letting us have it our way, maybe God is saying to us over and over “are you sick of this yet? You were meant for me. You can choose to keep fighting the pain however you want, but you will never find what you’re looking for if you do it on your own. So turn away from your corrosive ways, face my direction, and inhale. I will fill your tired lungs with the breath of love and life, and only after that will you become who you were meant to be.”