Marriage and Tragedy: How Heartbreak Brought us Closer Together

Photo credit: flickr/sklathill

They say that tragedy can do two things to a marriage; it can bring you closer together or it can drive you completely apart. I’m here to share with you the silver lining in the heartbreak that recently rocked my marriage.  I’m here to show you how it brought us closer than I ever thought it could.

Last month I shared with you that we lost our baby.  I talked about my pain and my complete sadness.  Now I’m back, to talk with you about what I have found to be the bright spot in all of this.

See, I’m a “find the reason” kind of girl.  I have to.  It feels like it drives me completely insane if I sit back and try to believe that something happened merely by chance and because life is often unfair.

This time was hard.  I felt like God was just testing my strength.  Just seeing how far he could push me, to see if I would stay faithful; and out of spite, I frequently thought of turning from Him.  A defiant way of letting Him know that I was too weak for this.  I believed God was wrong, I could not take any more.

Then one day, while I was driving to work, it hit me.  I remembered a prayer I had prayed on that exact stretch of road roughly two months before that.  I felt like my marriage was in a rut.

Not the kind of rut that makes you draft up divorce papers or anything crazy like that – just the rut of routine.  The rut of “I can tell you how our next 28 nights will be spent, because it is how our last 28 nights have been spent” kind of a rut.  We were King and Queen of the come home, eat dinner, watch TV and fall asleep routine.  We weren’t fighting, we weren’t angry…we just were.

Some days the mundane felt worse than if we were to just throw down and have the kind of fight the neighbors would have to drown out with their music.  It felt like we were too tired for any type of emotion.

I prayed again.

I prayed that somehow, in some way God would find a way to renew that crazy intense spark that we once had for each other.  That spark that made me fall in love with my husband despite my best attempts not to.

I prayed, and God answered.

He allowed our hearts, the ones that had grown complacent, to break right in half.  He allowed us to be stripped, right down to our core, so the only thing we could cling to was each other.

Dave held me up, every day, when all I could do was cry.  He was strong for me in ways I can’t even describe to you.  He helped me continue on and put one foot in front of the other when hiding from life seemed to be the only place that proved save.

His strength showed me again why I fell head over heals in love with this man six years ago.

Conversely I watched this man break right along with me when we saw flat lines where a heat beat should be.  I saw that this little life grabbed a piece of its daddy’s heart and took it right up to heaven with it.  Dave loved this baby, the second we knew it was a baby and it was proven to me in the way I watched him grieve for it.

In watching that, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God chose well for me.  This man, my husband, is going to be the best father and I’m so blessed to know that it is my children he will be fathering.

This experience has wrecked both of us.  But we recognize the silver lining.

Do I believe God took our baby to answer this prayer?  No.  I don’t serve that kind of God.

I believe he took a horrible situation and used it to answer my prayer, and truly I am thankful for that.

How has tragedy influenced your relationships?  Has heartbreak made you closer to those around you or has it driven you apart?  It effects everyone differently and I’d love to know your story.


14 thoughts on “Marriage and Tragedy: How Heartbreak Brought us Closer Together

  1. My husband and I had a stillborn son almost 16 years ago and it broke our hearts. I think initially it drew us very close together. Later we have had more problems. Men and women tend to have different styles of grieving (or for that matter any two people) and it can cause a lot of stress. Continue to be good to each other and patient.

    • Robin your story breaks my heart. Thank you so much for sharing it here. I will make sure that Dave and I continue to be patient with each other and we allow each other to grieve in the ways that work for us.

  2. My sweet Sister… wow. Your posts CONTINUALLY hit home to me and CONTINUALLY pierce my heart. I praise God that in the midst of tragedy, He grew you closer together. And I praise God that through it all, He gave you a man that would hold your hand during your darkest hours. And mostly, I praise God for the heart that He has given you…. that even in the midst of heartache, insecurity and the other mix of emotions, that you still look to Him and give Him praise. <3 you sweet girl!

  3. The stress, tragedy, and pain my husband and i have lived in has only become another strand in the knot that binds us together. no one else can understand what he understands in me. what i understand in him. so, for me, there is no going back. our hardship has sealed him in my heart forever. because the darkest days of my life, were the darkest days of his too.

  4. So glad that you have someone to hold you in the midst of this. Such a beautiful reflection on an absolutely heart-breaking season. Hugs and prayers are with you.

  5. Connor would be 16 and a Junior in High School. He would be driving to school, avoiding homework, stepping out and “spreading his wings” as a not a kid anymore but not quite grown avoiding dad yet at the same time craving his attention young adult. Connor was stillborn. Over 7 lbs, full head of hair–beautiful. He just didn’t open his eyes. I chose to use it as a reason to crawl deeper into the bottle and be the best darn alcoholic I could be. It warms my heart that you have chosen to run into the arms of the Creator. I stand with you and pray for continued healing. k

  6. Tiffany, you don’t know me…I actually met your fellow-blogger Ian through FB. But I want to affirm your statement:

    Do I believe God took our baby to answer this prayer? No. I don’t serve that kind of God.

    I believe he took a horrible situation and used it to answer my prayer, and truly I am thankful for that.

    You’re right on track. I discovered this through a different journey, when our youngest son was diagnosed with Down syndrome. My prayer, once I got over the anger (longer story) was “if I’m going to have the pain, please don’t let me miss the gain.”

    Even so, may you find comfort!

  7. Okay I know I am posting on your posts a lot, but I read them and I connect because of my own experiences. See, my husband and I have been together for 9 years. We have been to the point where I didn’t think we would make it as a couple…but a similar thing happened to us when we lost the babies. I thought, “oh no this is what is going to do us in.” As I stressed about everything, my husband showed his strength, compassion, and how great a partner I have in him. The revelation brought me to my knees, because as I was thinking all these negative thoughts; my husband was comforting me, building me up, and being my strength when I felt I had none. I am so thankful that if I had to go through all of this, I had my husband and best friend through it all.

  8. I’m so glad to see your comments. I’m so glad that you connected with my posts.

    It is amazing what characteristics come about in our mates when tragedy strikes, isn’t it? I had no idea who I was married to. I mean, I kind of knew, but when we lost that baby he turned into the strongest person alive for me.

    It is what gives me hope for the future. We will try for another baby. We may get our prayers answered and we may not; we may face more tragedy, we may not. But, as you said, no matter what, I have my best friend to help me through this road. It is one blessing that I hold tight to.

    Seriously, Kyanna, thank you for reading my posts and for sharing your heart.

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